MOVIE HYPE

INDEX

2011-12-31T23:59:00.004-05:00

Film Reviews

A

ACTORS
(February 20, 2005)

AFI's new Top 100 Movie List Analysis
(June 22, 2007)

AEON FLUX
(April 19, 2006)

ALEXANDER NEVSKY
(August 16, 2006)

AMERICAN SPLENDOR**
(February 15, 2004)

ANNAPOLIS
(July 24, 2006)

ARMY OF DARKNESS
(October 31, 2007)

ARSENIC AND OLD LACE
(August 15, 2006)

THE AVIATOR
(Janurary 14, 2005)

B

BABEL
(March 03, 2007)

BAD SANTA**
(February 04, 2004)

BANG BANG YOU’RE DEAD
(February 18, 2005)

THE BANK JOB
(July 17, 2008)

BATMAN BEGINS
(June 15, 2005)

BATMAN: GOTHAM KNIGHT
(July 15, 2008)

BATTLE ROYALE
(July 06, 2006)

BEOWULF AND GRENDEL
(July 17, 2006)

THE BLACK DAHLIA
(June 29, 2007)

BLACK SNAKE MOAN
(June 29, 2007)

BLOODRAYNE
(January 27, 2006)

THE BOURNE SUPREMACY
(July 26, 2004)

BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA
(October 31, 2007)

BREACH
(March 05, 2007)

BREAKING BAD
(July 18, 2011)

BRICK
(June 15, 2007)

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
(February 28, 2006)

BROKEN FLOWERS
(April 03, 2006)

BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID
(September 03, 2006)

C

CAPOTE
(February 27, 2006)

CARNIVÀLE
(June 25, 2007)

CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN
(September 19, 2006)

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN
(December 5, 2008)

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
(December 31, 2005)

CINDERELLA MAN
(June 11, 2005)

CITY OF GOD**
(February 22, 2004)

CLOSER
(March 11, 2005)

CLUE
(October 27, 2005)

COLD MOUNTAIN**
(February 04, 2004)

COLLATERAL
(January 14, 2005)

CONFIDENCE
(August 8, 2005)

THE CONSTANT GARDENER
(September 16, 2005)

CONSTANTINE
(March 11, 2005)

THE COOLER**
(May 16, 2004)

CORPSE BRIDE
(October 14, 2005)

CRASH
(January 04, 2006)

CRIMINAL
(August 8, 2005)

D

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (Movie vs. Movie)
(December 15, 2008)

DAZED AND CONFUSED
(May 27, 2005)

DEADWOOD
(November 14, 2005)

DEATH PROOF
(October 30, 2007)

DEATH RACE
(August 27, 2008)

THE DEPARTED
(October 12, 2006)

DERAILED
(March 21, 2006)

DIE ANOTHER DAY
(November 26, 2002)

DIRTY PRETTY THINGS**
(May 16, 2004)

DOMINO
(June 09, 2006)

DUETS
(January 26, 2006)

E

EAGLE EYE
(November 7, 2008)

ECLIPSE
(June 30, 2010)

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
(October 30, 2008)

ED WOOD
(October 30, 2008)

8 MILE
(November 26, 2002)

ELEPHANT
(February 18, 2005)

EPISODES I AND II REVISITED
(September 03, 2004)

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
(June 23, 2004)

F

FAMILY GUY
(September 27, 2005)

FINDING NEVERLAND
(March 04, 2005)

FIREFLY
(September 27, 2005)

FLIGHTPLAN
(October 21, 2005)

FOOLPROOF
(August 8, 2005)

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL
(April 22, 2008)

FREAKS
(November 02, 2006)

FROM HELL
(October 30, 2008)

G

GARDEN STATE
(September 03, 2004)

The Genius of Ben Stein
(September 03, 2004)

THE GOOD GERMAN
(March 03, 2010)

GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK
(February 23, 2006)

GREAT MOVIE SHAME LIST
(August 29, 2006)

GRINDHOUSE
(October 30, 2007)

GRIZZLY MAN
(May 31, 2006)

H

HAIRSPRAY
(November 21, 2007)

HANCOCK
(July 31, 2008)

HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY
(July 29, 2008)

HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE
(March 31, 2005)

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
(November 26, 2002)

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
(November 25, 2005)

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
(July 12, 2007)

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
(June 07, 2004)

HEAVEN
(August 10, 2007)

HELLBOY**
(May 11, 2004)

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY
(July 31, 2008)

HERO
(August 29, 2004)

HIDALGO
(December 06, 2005)

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
(October 21, 2005)

HITMAN
(July 11, 2008)

HOLIDAY MOVIES
(November 25, 2001)

Horsey Movies
(April 30, 2010)

HOSTAGE
(April 22, 2005)

HOTEL RWANDA
(March 04, 2005)

THE HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS
(August 2, 2006)

HULK
(June 20, 2003)

HUSTLE & FLOW
(February 24, 2006)

I

IDIOCRACY
(March 23, 2007)

IGBY GOES DOWN
(July 11, 2006)

IN AMERICA
(July 3, 2007)

THE INCREDIBLES
(November 20, 2004)

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
(May 23, 2008)

INSIDE MAN
(March 27, 2006)

INSOMNIA**
(February 12, 2004)

IN THE COMPANY OF MEN
(May 23, 2006)

IRON MAN
(July 31, 2008)

IRON MAN 2
(May 7, 2010)

IRREVERSIBLE
(June 06, 2006)

J

JARHEAD
(May 29, 2006)

JONAH HEX
(October 28, 2010)

K

KILL BILL, VOLUME 1**
(October 11, 2003)

KILL BILL VOLUME 2**
(April 19, 2004)

KING ARTHUR
(July 09, 2004)

KING KONG
(December 16, 2005)

THE KINGDOM
(February 05, 2008)

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
(December 06, 2005)

KNIGHT AND DAY
(June 29, 2010)

L

THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND
(January 30, 2008)

THE LAST LEGION
(August 17, 2007)

THE LAST SAMURAI**
(February 04, 2004)

LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN**
(July 14, 2003)

LEAN ON ME
(September 19, 2006)

Leonardo DiCaprio Films
(February 19, 2010)

LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
(March 03, 2007)

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN
(October 28, 2010)

THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISOU
(April 22, 2005)

LITTLE CHILDREN
(August 5, 2008)

[-----break. I can't stand to have LITTLE CHILDREN next to LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE----]

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
(March 05, 2007)

LONELY HEARTS
(August 18)

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING**
(February 04, 2004)

LORD OF WAR
(Septeber 18, 2005)

LOST IN TRANSLATION**
(February 12, 2004)

LOVE ACTUALLY**
(February 04, 2004)

LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN
(April 10, 2006)

M

Mad Men
(August 21, 2008)

THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE(S)
(June 01, 2006)

MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
(February 10, 2006)

MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD**
(February 09, 2004)

MATCH POINT
(January 25, 2006)

MATCHSTICK MEN**
(September 13, 2003)

MATRIX NAMES (AN EXAMINATION)**
(November 06, 2003)

THE MATRIX RELOADED**
(May 18, 2003)

MATRIX REVOLUTIONS**
(November 10, 2003)

MAY
(January 12, 2006)

MEAN STREETS
(August 16, 2006)

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
(March 07, 2006)

MILLION DOLLAR BABY
(March 04, 2005)

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III
(May 12, 2006)

MR. AND MRS. SMITH
(June 13, 2005)

MR. BROOKS
(October 23, 2007)

MONSTER**
(February 19, 2004)

Movie Matters
(April 19, 2007)

Movie Matters the Second
(April 26, 2007)

Movie Matters the Third
(September 13, 2007)

Movie Matters the Fourth
(June 13, 2008)

MUNICH
(March 01, 2006)

MURDERBALL
(September 02, 2006)

MYSTIC RIVER**
(February 04, 2004)

N

NATIONAL TREASURE
(November 20, 2004)

NEW MOON
(June 30, 2010)

THE NEW WORLD
(February 15, 2006)

NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(October 14, 2005)

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
(October 30, 2008)

THE NINTH GATE
(October 30, 2008)

THE NOTORIOUS BETTIE PAGE
(December 13, 2008)

O

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO AND OTHER RODRIGUEZ FILMS**
(October 05, 2003)

ORIGINAL SIN
(February 14, 2005)

OSCARS FOR 2000
(March 25, 2001)

OSCARS FOR 2002
(March 22, 2003)

P

PAN'S LABYRINTH
(March 30, 2007)

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
(January 21, 2004)

PAYCHECK**
(February 04, 2004)

PEARL HARBOR
(June 01, 2001)

PERFUME: THE STORY OF A MURDERER
(August 10, 2007)

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
(January 24, 2006)

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL**
(July 23, 2003)

PLANET TERROR
(October 30, 2007)

PROOF
(March 14, 2006)

Q

THE QUEEN
(February 06, 2007)

R

THE RANCH
(June 26, 2006)

RASHOMON
(August 30, 2006)

RATATOUILLE
(October 31, 2007)

RAY
(February 04, 2005)

RE-ANIMATOR
(October 31, 2006)

RENAISSANCE
(August 02, 2007)

RESCUE ME
(May 11, 2006)

THE RING
(November 26, 2002)

ROBERT ALTMAN MEMORIES
(November 30, 2006)

ROME
(August 6, 2007)

RONIN
(November 17, 2006)

RUN LOLA RUN
(August 10, 2007)

S

THE SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD
(June 23, 2004)

THE SANTA CLAUSE 2
(November 26, 2002)

SAW
(April 22, 2005)

SCARY MOVIE 4
(April 21, 2006)

SEABISCUIT**
(February 15, 2004)

THE SECRET OF ROAN INISH
(November 26, 2002)

THE SECRET OF ROAN INISH (revisited)
(June 07, 2006)

SECRET WINDOW
(October 30, 2008)

SERENITY
(October 1, 2005)

SE7EN
(October 31, 2007)

SHOOT 'EM UP
(July 11, 2008)

SHREK 2
(April 28, 2005)

SIDEWAYS**
(February 04, 2005)

THE SIMPSONS MOVIE
(July 31, 2007)

SIN CITY
(April 11, 2005)

SKELETON KEY
(October 27, 2005)

SKINS (Season 1)
(January 13, 2009)

SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW
(September 18, 2004)

SLEEPY HOLLOW
(October 30, 2008)

SMOKIN' ACES
(July 11, 2008)

SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER, AND UNCUT
(April 22, 2005)

SPORTS NIGHT
(September 19, 2006)

STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH
(May 22, 2005)

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS
(October 5, 2008)

THE STATION AGENT
(July 12, 2006)

STICK IT
(May 08, 2006)

SUCKER PUNCH
(March 31, 2011)

SUMMER ’03 MOVIE PREVIEW**
(May 18, 2003)

SUMMER '06 (JUNE) MOVIE PREVIEW
(June 08, 2006)

SUPERMAN RETURNS
(July 31, 2006)

SUSPECT ZERO
(October 27, 2005)

S.W.A.T.**
(August 15, 2003)

SWEENEY TODD THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET
(October 30, 2008)

SYRIANA
(December 18, 2005)

T

TAKING LIVES
(March 31, 2005)

TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE
(April 22, 2005)

THIRTEEN**
(February 04, 2004)

THOR
(May 6, 2011)

300
(March 10, 2007)

TRANSFORMERS
(October 16, 2007)

TREASURE PLANET
(April 29, 2005)

TROY
(May 18, 2004)

TRUE ROMANCE
(January 05, 2006)

21 GRAMS**
(May 16, 2004)

TWILIGHT
(June 30, 2010)

U

UNDERWORLD**
(September 20, 2003)

UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION
(January 27, 2007)

UNITED 93
(September 11, 2007)

THE UNITED STATES OF LELAND
(February 18, 2005)

V

VAN HELSING**
(May 07, 2004)

V FOR VENDETTA
(March 23, 2006)

W

WAITING
(April 20, 2006)

WALK THE LINE
(February 27, 2006)

WALLACE AND GROMMIT: CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT
(October 14, 2005)

WANTED
(July 11, 2008)

WAR OF THE WORLDS
(June 30, 2005)

WATERSHIP DOWN
(April 29, 2005)

WHALE RIDER**
(May 16, 2004)

WHERE THE TRUTH LIES
(April 17, 2006)

THE WICKER MAN
(October 27, 2008)

WICKER PARK
(March 31, 2005)

THE WORLD'S FASTEST INDIAN
(November 21, 2006)

X

X2: X-MEN UNITED**
(May 18, 2003)

Y

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN
(October 27, 2005)

YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
(May 23, 2006)

**This review was originally in HyperionX, and as such may contain some profanity. If such be the case, I assure you it was necessary.

Breaking Bad

2011-07-18T05:55:00.007-04:00

Remember that show "Malcolm in the Middle," that was funny for about five minutes? The kids were okay, but what ruined it for me were the parents. I hated the mom Lois, who seemed like a third-rate Roseanne knockoff, and did nothing but yell and henpeck her husband, Hal. I wasn't so much angry at Hal, as disgusted. All he ever seemed to do was sport a cheesy mustache, cower in fear of Lois, and for some reason he was always in his underwear.

I first heard about Breaking Bad from promos while watching Mad Men. All I really knew was that it was about Meth and starred Bryan Cranston, the very same tighty-whitey-wearing Hal who used to make me go, "Dude, not to be a chauvinist dick, but can't you control your woman?"

Hal and Meth - how fast could I say no?

At the time Mad Men was all anything critics could talk about, and deservedly so. (Here's my glowing review of Season 1, if you're interested.) Since that time AMC has produced Rubicon and The Killing and The Walking Dead, all super-high quality programs. But at the time, AMC was still mostly known for editing the tar out of '80s movies, and many people were thinking Mad Men might be more of a fluke than the beginning of a trend, so Breaking Bad sort of flew under the radar.

(Also complicating matters: the Writers' Strike happened around then, which burned up a lot of different shows.)

After a while I started hearing that Breaking Bad was actually pretty good, which seemed skeptical (seeing that it didn't have the "buzz" of Mad Men), and then shockingly, Bryan Cranston won the Emmy for Best Actor, and this was in the age of Don Draper, Dexter Morgan and Greg House!

Then Cranston won the Emmy a second time, then three in a row, and you started hearing from critics that Breaking Bad wasn't just good, but really really good, like maybe "best show on television" good.

I still had my doubts - okay, EXTREME doubts - but it seemed only fair to give the show a shot. I got the Season 1 DVD set for my brother for Christmas, and it finally worked out that we were both in the same place at the same time and had an opportunity to try Breaking Bad.

That was a few weeks ago. Since then we have moved Heaven and Earth to rip through Seasons One, Two and Three before Season Four started. (The first episode of Season Four was last night.)

Breaking Bad is utterly fantastic. If you have read my reviews before and you trust my word, make it the very next thing you watch. Go out and rent Season One (it's only seven episodes, because of that stupid Writers' Strike I mentioned); get both discs, because I guarantee you that once you start it you won't be content to stop after the first three episodes.

You will TEAR through this like a man in the desert would take down a Big Gulp.

THIS NEXT SECTION GIVES THE SET-UP, AND DOESN'T "SPOIL" ANYTHING YOU WON'T FIND ON THE BACK OF THE DVD BOX, BUT IF YOU'RE ANAL ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING JUST SKIP IT.

*****************************************************

Here's the set-up: Bryan Cranston plays Walter White, a genius who somehow wound up a high school chemistry teacher (with a second humiliating job at a car wash), a 15-year old son with Cerebral Palsy and a 7-month pregnant wife who's more than a little controlling. Walt shoulda-coulda-woulda done something great, but here he is, smack-dab in the middle of a life going nowhere.

Some routine tests reveal a shock: despite a lifetime of clean living Walt has Stage-3 Lung Cancer - which is "get your affairs in order" time. Devastated, Walt is reeling, not sure what to do. The idea of leaving his wife Skyler with a special needs teenager and a new baby sickens him. The next day, while on a ride-along with his much more successful DEA agent brother-in-law Hank, Walter sees Jesse Pinkman, a former student of his. Jesse is the DEA's target that day - a local meth cook, a total screwup - but Jesse gets away with only Walt noticing because he'd been left in the car for safety.

A crazy plan begins to form in Walt's mind, a way to leave his family some money when he dies, which Walt knows is coming very soon. With seemingly nothing left to lose, the milquetoast Walt, the man least likely to ever step a hair out of line, has decided to "break bad."

*****************************************************

Even if you read the quick outline, I promise I haven't begun to tell you anything about this series. Everything I wrote is already upside-down before the end of the pilot, and from there it just gets....complicated. That's just the story, which is awesome - but lots of shows have awesome stories.

Breaking Bad is also exquisitely written and acted - the two other hallmarks of TV greatness, and the filming techniques are playful and sometimes surprising. The soundtrack at times is laugh-out-loud funny in the irony, and the camera-work is, not always, but every once in awhile, like nothing you've ever seen.

Breaking Bad is also awash in metaphor - self-consciously so, but they tend to treat the metaphor as some sort of in-joke more than anything so profound that a college freshman could write a term paper. (Although I guarantee that will happen.) Whether it's a pink teddy bear floating in a pool, "la Tortuga," or the use of Heisenberg (which seems to not only be a joke by the producers, but Walt's own private joke as well), everywhere you look there is symbolism, but it's almost as if the producers are saying, "It's like the Matrix, dude. Don't over-think it. Just enjoy."

But the real reason I'm SO enthusiastic is how the show progresses - the tone, if you will, and thematically; that is to say, how the show deals with morality. What Breaking Bad is and does might make the thoughtful viewer at first think of noir - good man caught up in a bad situation - and the dark humor might even invite comparisons to the Coen Brothers. But neither of those things comes close to an analog. What's going in Breaking Bad isn't a raw look at how Fate sometimes intervenes to set our path, and it isn't an examination of the absurdity of modern Life and the Criminal class who's "just trying to get by" like the rest of us.

No, what's happening is harder to define. Breaking Bad is a meditation on what it means to choose how you face the things that happen to you. Walter White reminds me a little bit of Lester Burnham in AMERICAN BEAUTY, in the sense of a man learning he can always surprise himself. In a weird way it also reminds me of the Harry Potter series, in that at first it seems simple and almost naive, but gets darker - relentlessly darker - as it goes on, but subtly, in a way that pulls you in further without realizing it.

Breaking Bad isn't going to be for everybody. While the AMC location means there isn't nearly the level of violence or language of an HBO or Showtime (or heck, even the awesome dramas of FX), there is some violence, a lot of tense situations, and of course the aforementioned meth. Some people probably can't go for that.

But a few weeks ago I would have thought I was one of them. I really didn't expect to like Breaking Bad. I didn't know what to expect, but all my preconceived notions were wrong. What I found was a character study so complex that it rivals the very best literature.

And yes, Bryan Cranston still INSISTS on being in his underwear way too often (my brother and I joked it must be in his contract that he gets one scene per episode), but that is easily forgiven. I don't always like Walter White - I don't approve of what he does hardly ever - but I root for him more than almost any character I've seen. Breaking Bad is the real deal, and don't be surprised if you find yourself semi-obsessed, tweaking for the next episode.

Just don't start your own meth lab. Trust me; there's no way that breaks good.

Move Hype has more of my Great TV on DVD series

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#765 THOR

2011-05-06T15:36:00.002-04:00

When I was much younger - so young that I didn’t even get it - I came across the following dirty joke about Thor:

Thor, god of Thunder, was walking the streets of Asgard with Odin, when Thor suddenly says, "It has been a long time, father, and the urges within me rage and threaten to burst out."
Odin ponders for awhile the horror of letting the god of thunder become unhinged, and all the damage that could come from it, and he replies, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to your manly pleasures."
And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night's events. "My father," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. The passion was released from within me 37 times!"
"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."
"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho thor I can't thpeak and can hardly pith!"

That’s how I feel right now. I saw the Midnight Premiere of THOR, but before that was dinner with friends, then not enough room in the car for everyone, so someone had to hang out at a sports bar waiting, and anyway, the point is I ended up sitting for about six and a half straight hours.

Hyperion was not made for this.

I’m not complaining. The meal was great, and while I was sitting around I got a short story mostly written, and you do what you have to do for the god of Thunder....

But the end result is that I find myself today feeling physically haggard, creatively bereft, and not capable of my usual 5000 word make-you-feel-like-you’re-there brilliance.

I’ll just give you a couple of highlights.

You can't touch this....(literally)

Before the movie they were giving away prizes for answering Trivia questions. Most of them were easy (I felt), but I was too tired to even try to raise my hand, let alone speak. The last prize, however, was two free tickets, and the question was what is the name of Thor’s Hammer. (It’s “Mjöllnir,” which is pronounced myol-neer). People kept saying it and they weren’t quite getting the pronunciation right, and this wasn’t helped by the fact that the Trivia Girl wasn’t sure herself, so it was chaotic. Finally the manager looks at me and says, “I’m looking at this guy, and I”m thinking HE knows the right answer.” After I told him who to give the tickets to I was sitting there feeling quietly proud when I started thinking, “Wait a minute. Did that guy think I knew because I couldn’t hide my natural geniusicity, or for some other reason, and if so, WHAT OTHER REASON?????”

Trailers

A couple of the Trailers were for movies I have written about and linked to before - GREEN LANTERN and COWBOYS & ALIENS - although these were new more fleshed-out Trailers and worth seeing. The new Trailers were for:

COLUMBIANA (Zoe Saldana is an unstoppable assassin; no word on whether she was hired by the Navi)

DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK (the crowd was derisive until they saw it was a Guillermo del Toro film and then they got all giddy - sort of the opposite reaction people in when watching the Trailer last year for DEVIL)

SUPER 8 (Directed by JJ Abrams and produced by Steven Spielberg, which has many people excited; some guy behind me quipped, “It looks like E.T. on steroids”)

CAPTAIN AMERICA (Think Six Million Dollar Man meets The Hulk meets PEARL HARBOR)

Movie-Hype #765 THOR

It’s awesome.

What do you want from me? I said I was hurty. Thor is everything you’d want in an old-school super-hero movie. It’s cheesy, but in the best way. I mean, c’mon - the story is about the god of thunder who somehow makes his way to earth and has adventures with humans. This isn’t exactly the gritty realism of The Wire, but it’s not supposed to be.

Asgard is way cool - very futuristic and yet ancient at the same time, ten times cooler than the rendering of Mt. Olympus in that dreck CLASH OF THE TITANS. Odin is played by Anthony Hopkins - always a great thing. His wife Frigga is Rene Russo, and even though she doesn’t have much to do here, remember that Marvel very carefully sets up their super-hero films as franchises, so there’s every hope she’ll have more to do later.

Loki (Tom Hiddleston) is appropriately ambiguous and troubling, Sif (Jaime Alexander) is luscious and bad-ass at the same time and Colm Feore continues to impress with his King Laufey.. (If you’re not aware of their mythological significance of these names in the Aesir cannon going in don’t worry about it.)

On the human character side, Natalie Portman is an astro-physicist who discovers wormholes, and she’s every bit as unbelievable as any woman (or man for that matter) the movies have tried to make us believe are staggering super-geinuses of theoretical science (anyone remember Denise Richards as Nuclear Physicist Dr. Christmas Jones?), but it’s okay that her character is ridiculous because it’s Natalie Portman, and she’s really only there so we’ll find her adorable, especially when she gets all tongue-tied after meeting Thor.

(By the way, how cool would it be if Mila Kunis came out with a Thor knock-off six months from now, something like “Mars: god of war” where Mila plays the human Mars falls for? Ever since BLACK SWAN and then Natalie making NO STRINGS ATTACHED and Mila immediately coming out with FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS I’ve been convinced that Kunis is now cinema-stalking her more famous counterpart.)

Other humans are Stellan Skarsgaard, who’s mostly there for his awesome accent, which makes him believable when he talks about Norse mythology stories he heard as a child, and Kat Dennings as the wise-cracking intern sidekick. In an Indie THOR Kat would have had the Natalie Portman love-interest role, which makes me wonder what an Indie THOR would actually look like. Then again, Indie street-cred would demand forgoing special effects, and one place you don’t want to skimp on special effects is HAMMER TIME in a Thor movie, so maybe it’s for the best.

(This brings up another point: there were two theaters playing the midnight show - in 2-D and in 3-D. I was keenly aware of how Thor throws his Hammer all over the place in the comic, which might look hella-cool in 3-D, but I’m also generally of the opinion that 3-D is being over-exploited right now by Hollywood as a cash grab. After finding out that THOR was NOT shot with 3-D cameras, but was up-converted from 2-D for theaters, we made the decision to stick with normal, and while I haven’t seen both versions I STRONGLY STRONGLY STRONGLY urge you to do the same.)

Interlude

As you may know, while Thor may not be the most top-of-the-mind story you remember from childhood, he is important to your life in one central way - he’s where we get Thursday. Although Friday has a special place in our hearts (as it’s Fun Fun Fun Fun) I think Thursday may be the best overall day of the week. In fact, I’m calling it Thor’s Day for the rest of my life, and you should too! (Why they didn’t try to tie that in and open the movie on Thursd...I mean Thor’s Day, is beyond me.)

And because I feel you need to know these things, here are the other inspiration for the days of the week:

SUNDAY - from Sunnandæg or literally “Sun’s Day.” Makes sense the first day of the week would be to honor the biggest thing we could find in the sky.

MONDAY - from the Old English Mōnandæg, or “Moon Day.”

TUESDAY - from Tiwesdæg or “Tiw’s Day.” Tiw translates to the German version of Mars, god of war. Again this makes total sense, Astronomically speaking.

WEDNESDAY - from Wōdnesdæg or “Wodan’s Day” (Odin’s Day). You might wonder why Odin, the all-father main god of the Aesir, gets the middle of the week, but perhaps it will make more sense to know that Roman’s associated him with Mercury.

THURSDAY - Thor’s Day - forever and ever, baby! (Planet-wise, Thor is connected to Zeus, or Jupiter, because of the Lightning.)

FRIDAY - from Frīġedæġ or “Frige’s Day.” If you’ve been following along I bet you can guess what Roman goddess the Norse Frige was associated with......yep - Venus.

SATURDAY - from Sæternesdæg or Saturn’s Day.

End of Interlude

Where were we? Oh yeah - what about Thor himself? The film does a fantastically great job here, capturing the essence of the comic book character as best they can crossed with aspects of the generally known traits of the mythological figure. It’s tough sledding - because Thor was known as arrogant, brash, impulsive, hot-headed, violent....not exactly a role model for the Kids today.

Not to worry, though, for the Thor we see if all those things while still likable and fun...and this is in no small part because of destined-to-be-a-HUGE-star Chris Hemsworth. Seriously - write it down. He’s expressive, has stormy eyes, and he looks like a super-sized cut version of Brad Pitt. (He reminded me so much of a young Brad Pitt, and considering Anthony Hopkins plays his dad, and the subject matter of the THOR movie, that I joked it should be called “Legends of the Fall.”)

At one point in the film Thor has his shirt off, and I’m here to tell that in an audience of over-caffeinated jacked-up hammer-wielding ornamental wing-wearing fanboys there were audible gasps. They could probably make a movie called “Chris Hemsworth walks around nearly naked” and it would make 50 million dollars. I’d go once or twice, if only to prove I’m comfortable with my own masculinity. (Yeah, that’s the reason....)

Overall I thought THOR was pretty terrific. It didn’t have the sophisticated gravitas of the recent Batman movies or as many spectacular action sequences as we’re used to, but the film had plenty of heart was abounded with great moments of humor. It was directed by Kenneth Branagh, which might seem an odd choice for the subject matter, but I’m sure he helped keep the grand vision of Asgard alive. Perhaps best yet, they continued to build on the Avenger’s theme, and when they finally get all the characters together it should be great.

No one is going to walk from THOR saying it was their favorite movie ever, but I feel confident that no one is going to be disappointed, either. I suppose I could have maybe wished for more actual Thunder and Lightning, but then, what would I have to look forward to in the sequel?

Hyperion

May 6, 2011

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#764 Sucker Punch

2011-03-31T18:30:00.002-04:00

Trailer #1

I’ve been in town for a few days to celebrate my parents' births and to rest my damaged body from the rigors of the road, and In honor of the Hyperion Empire's 11th Anniversary my brother Achmed dragged me to see SUCKER PUNCH. But first we had dinner at what is fast becoming my favorite chain: Red Robin. (yum) Love that place. Love it. Such was the mad-cap craziness of the evening that I - brace yourself - I did not even order a sandwich. Yes, friends, I had a salad. (And a side of steak fries, but again: no sandwich. Me!)

My salad came with Poppyseed Honey Mustard dressing. OMFH! Much like getting the Rock and Vin Diesel on screen together (see below) how the holy zachsnyder did we live this long without combining those two dressings? It makes Hyperion wonder: what OTHER awesome flavors are just sitting out there waiting to be be discovered? Where will the next Peanut-Butter and Jelly, Biscuits and Gravy or distressed horny Japanese girls and flexibly-tentacled monsters come from? We need some sort of committee on this.

Trailer #2

The reason I wanted to do an extra-special review is because the last Zach Snyder movie I wrote about (300) inspired my very best review ever. It actually started me on a whole different genre of writing, for which I don't even have a name. More on that another time, but if you want to know why I care, take a look at my review for 300 and see if you agree that Hyperion had some extra giddy-up in his step.

Trailer #3

As I’m sure I’ll forget once I’m actually writing the Review....

I keep reading SUCKER PUNCH compared to other films, and while I often feel this is a lazy shorthand way of describing a reviewing a movie, it’s hard not to do the same thing in SP’s case, mostly because director Zach Snyder has noticeably included many references to other films and genres. The look of the movie is CLEARLY inspired by Japanese Manga and Anime, especially the stuff that’s less well-known in America. Japan has long been making their pop art in an adult way, and what may seem bizarre or exploitative to us is normal in that world (more on this later). I have heard SUCKER PUNCH described as “300 for teenage girls” or “Alice in Wonderland: the Video Game.” Those are great tags to describe aspects of the film. I sat around trying to think of a few descriptions that used movies or genre styles to help explain a bit the experience of watching SUCKER PUNCH:

Sailor Moulin Rouge
The ShawMatrix Redemption
Sinception City
Mickey Mouse Fight Club
Little Orphan Manga
JaPan's Labyrinth

Oh, and for what it’s worth: I couldn’t fit a clever name into anything, but pay attention during the castle scene; I swear there are orcs!

Trailer #4

(these are the actual Trailers we saw before movie started)

FAST FIVE (see trailer here)
It's the battle of Fast Cars and Mayhem America has been waiting for: Vin Diesel vs. The Rock. (Finally, right?) I turned to my brother and said, “It’s disrespectful to Nic Cage not to have him in this.”

HANNA (see trailer here)
Despite rumors, this is not the latest Miley Cyrus joint. In fact the cast features Eric Bana and Cate Blanchett. That’s all I got (I’ve already told you more than I know.)

HANGOVER PART II (see teaser trailer here)
Will this make lots and lots of money? No doubt. Will it be any good. We’ll see....

ARTHUR (if you must, see trailer here)
Even if you paid me all of Arthur’s money I wouldn’t see this. I refuse to lust after Helen Mirren for a whole month for her participation. (Well, a fortnight.)

DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT (see trailer here)
The title sounds like a back-cover short on a Casper the Friendly Ghost comic. One of the characters is Josh from the US version of Being Human, which was weird because in BH Josh is a werewolf, but here he’s a zombie. Make up your mind, dude!

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (see trailer here)
Hey, director Will Gluck: way to capture the pop-culture zietgeist....of 2003. I would bet the house (well, your house) that this script has been “in development” for most of the decade. Two things worth mentioning: Justin Timberlake is the dude, and in the trailer they let him jokey-sing a few times. I can’t believe it took Hollywood this long to stumble into the Elvis Rule: when you have a talented performer but you’re not sure how to use them, let them sing their roles! Even better: the movie stars Mila Kunis, who’s looking for casual sex without the emotional commitment. Wait a minute...doesn’t that sound a lot like last year’s NO STRINGS ATTACHED starring Natalie Portman? And wasn’t Mila Kunis Portman’s understudy in BLACK SWAN? Are you picking up what I’m putting down? I think it would be hysterical if every time Natalie made a movie Mila had a similar movie come out. How long before Natalie would crack? (18 months, tops.) There is one great line where Mila Kunis looks at a romantic comedy movie poster and yells, “Shut up Katharine Heigl, you stupid liar!”

Trailer #5

sucker punch
— n
1. a sudden surprise punch, esp from behind
2. a sudden unexpected defeat or setback

When I first saw the Trailer for SUCKER PUNCH I was very excited, but after learning the main character’s name I couldn’t help but think that BABY DOLL would make a better name for the movie. I could see where Punch evokes violence and Sucker has a vaguely sexual connotation; sexual AND violent triggers can’t be all bad, but at the same time I just thought that Baby Doll got the same point across but perhaps even better, and was more widely accessible.

Well, what do I know? Anyway, after seeing the film I understand fully why Director Zach Snyder chose to go the way he did, and while I still think my idea is a good one, at least this way NOBODY can say they were not warned.

Check out the Trailer, if you haven’t seen it already:

Opening Credits

As I’m going to be referring to the characters, not actors, I thought maybe you’d want to see who plays who and some of the costumes of the film:

“Baby Doll” (Emily Browning)	“Sweet Pea” (Abbie Cornish)
“Rocket” (Jenna Malone)	“Blondie” (Vanessa Hudgens)
“Amber” (Jamie Chung)	“Dr. Vera Gorski” (Carla Gugino)
“Blue” (Oscar Isaac)	“Wiseman” (Scott Glen)

SUCKER PUNCH

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became an adult, I gave up my childish ways.”~ I Corinthians 13:11

“For those who fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know.”~ John Stuart Mill (repeated by Wiseman in SUCKER PUNCH)

There comes a time for parents to start making the tough choices, such as whether to take the children to church, public vs. private school, Soccer or Piano (or both), and perhaps most importantly....

Actually, let’s get back to that later. Let us now speak of SUCKER PUNCH the movie, the experience, the social movement, the...well, perhaps I am getting carried away.

Perhaps not.

SUCKER PUNCH the movie is undeniably cool, with the self-assured swagger of the THE MATRIX RELOADED, SIN CITY or Tarantino in full PULP glory. In fact, the movie has more self-confidence than it could possibly deserve, but when you go for something this audacious, the last thing you want is a tentative approach.

Our main character is Baby Doll, and a more apt name simply could not be chosen. She’s a cipher, an enigma, as unreadable and perfect and...fragile as a baby doll you might give your daughter when she turns 3. Tragic events have brought Baby Doll to Lennox House, a hybrid of Arkham Asylum and Annie’s Orphanage, an impossibly dreadful place that not only hints of after-hours malevolence, but practically sweats it from its glitter-flecked pores.

If this review speaks to you I want to you see SUCKER PUNCH, so the plot I will not reveal. I would only point to the opening set piece that wordlessly gives us the background in clear terms without stepping a hair over the line. It is masterful film-making. It is also worth pointing out how essential music is to the film. Many of the scenes are integrated with the music in a way that evokes Baz Lurhmann, and conveys story, emotion and the truth of the characters in a way that normal dialogue could not.

This is not a trivial point. Many times during SUCKER PUNCH you the viewer are asked to see things that seem fantastic, like a fairy tale, a video game, a dream, a drug trip, the ramblings of a disturbed child. Are they real?

This question might seem ridiculous when you see 20 foot Samurai demon-monsters or the planet Saturn close enough to lasso, but the question is not ridiculous, and it gets to the heart of whether you will ever be able to engage SUCKER PUNCH on more than an escapist level.

Can something your mind tells you cannot possibly be real actually be real? What does that even mean? After all, nothing in any movie is real. They are all actors, speaking lines, on sets, with props, cameras, and trailers to go to when the Director yells cut.

Yet if you reduce a movie to that level you miss the essence of it, the possibility, the wonder, and yes, even the Truth. So I ask you again, viewer, can you watch SUCKER PUNCH, can you see things that cannot be happening - can you see things THAT EVEN THE MOVIE ITSELF DOUBTS ARE HAPPENING, and take them as real?

There’s no way to know for sure, but if you’re not willing to try, SUCKER PUNCH will never be more than a video game with a cool soundtrack, girls kicking ass with knives and guns, dressed as if they belong on the Cabaret stage, a dark fantasy of questionable (depending on your views) taste. And that’s fine. If you are that person, then engage as you are able.

For the rest of you, pay attention from the first scene. Notice how long it takes before you hear Baby Doll speak a single word, and notice what is in her hands when she finally does. This is not a coincidence.

At its heart, SUCKER PUNCH is a movie about escape. This is Baby Doll’s quest, and it becomes the quest of her companions, too: Sweet Pea, Rocket, Blondie, and Amber. If these sound more like stripper names than good little girls of the 1950s this is not coincidental either. We don’t know WHAT Baby Doll’s actual name is; she’s given the nickname when she arrives at Lennox House, as she (and we) discover there is so much more going on.

This reality, what the girls are asked to do, asked to live through, is where most of the movie takes place. But there is a further level, when the degradation and pressure is too much for Baby Doll, and she escapes into her mind. At this point too you must ask yourself if what you are seeing is real, real in a way you perhaps had not considered (or did not want to).

It is at this point that the movie amps up to Video Game Music Video glory - and I say those terms not as put-downs. There is a Steampunk surreal feel going on - in a good way - as we watch battles with the re-animated dead, dragons, zeppelins, robots and runaway trains. Pay special attention to the male figures in these scenes. Who are they? WHAT are they? What do they represent?

More importantly, pay attention to the female figures. No, not the girls, though they are nice to look at. The adult females, in all forms. What are you picking up? What does it mean for the girls as they try to escape? What does it mean in the Big-Picture sense?

I’m bringing up a lot of stuff here that likely seems strange in a movie review - especially if you haven’t seen the movie. But if nothing else you get the sense that there is a lot potentially going on here if you’re willing to go get it. The movie presents itself fairly straightforwardly and simple, but it isn’t. Just as there are multiple levels of reality within the film, there are multiple layers of story, of emotion, of Truth.

In one sense this was frustrating for me. The action scenes are jaw-dropping, almost an overload to look at, but I kept wanting more of the deeper story. Rarely do I wish a movie were much longer, but would that SUCKER PUNCH had the same running time as Snyder’s WATCHMEN, to allow the Mythos to truly intertwine the story and characters. At times it felt like just when essential Truth was coming around the corner it was time for another Rock ‘n’ Roll adventure.

(The Internet is awash with the rumor that Warner Brothers demanded 18 minutes cut from the film in order to achieve a PG-13 rating, and this upsets me to no end. First of all, the subject matter here is DARK; this is NOT a kids’ movie, although I say that but then I’d turn right around and say that your 14 year old will implicitly understand it better than you. There isn’t any content that goes over the PG-13 line, but I wish the film presented as intended, or that was at least an option.

A movie like SUCKER PUNCH only truly works if all the chips are pushed into the middle. It’s a huge gamble trying to pull something like this off. Have you seen 300 on TNT? It’s terrible, isn’t it? You have to see the DVD to grasp what’s going on. I haven’t seen the extra 18 minutes of SUCKER PUNCH, but I have 100% faith that more adult content would actually make the movie more effective. I don’t say that pruriently, though I’m sure there’s a T&A factor that adds titillation. It’s just...you’re in, or you’re not, you know? I still think SUCKER PUNCH is engaging enough to make it worth seeing in the theater, but I also am looking forward to the Director’s Cut DVD.)

It’s worth spending some time talking about the outfits. There’s a paradox here -and to be fair, in virtually all movies of female empowerment - that while the girls are kicking ass and discovering their inner Ninja they are dressed like call girls and other tropes of male fantasy. There’s no getting around that.

But there is some explanation. Not making excuses, but more than any other film or genre, SUCKER PUNCH takes its visual and thematic cues from Japanese anime and manga, and anyone familiar with the cartoons and comics being produced over there for decades wouldn’t blink at any of the outfits here. It is simply the way the women (and often even the young girls) look. You can call it exploitation and I wouldn’t argue with you, but the fact remains that it is the “norm,” and for what it’s worth, I’ve seen thousands of adult Japanese Anime, and the girls dressing like Halloween Hookers does not hold back their power. If anything, the opposite is true.

This is more of a societal thing, so it’s unfair to dump everything on SUCKER PUNCH, or even Japanese art, but the Truth is, no matter what the reasons (and there are many) and no matter how it might make the uber-Feminists howl, many women don’t object to these outfits, at least up on screen.

Being a woman has always been a strange thing in our world, especially when coupling empowerment and sexuality. The most empowered woman on the planet - who wouldn’t turn aside from a group of men on the sidewalk and would rip apart sexist CEOs in the corporate boardroom might nonetheless find it VERY hot to have her man throw her down on the bed and roughly engage in (consensual) sex.

This dichotomy is worth much discussion, but I recognize will not be solved here. It is enough that it is acknowledged, and realized, added to the equation. Every woman I know has a slutty outfit in the back of her closet, or wishes she does. Every woman I know has underwear she bought specifically with the idea of a man seeing her in, and the idea that it would drive him so wild that he pushed her up against a wall, even tore it off...well, that’s the general idea.

Why do I bring this up? Because SUCKER PUNCH implicitly addresses it, and it’s a strange juxtaposition that we have to accept if not understand. A girl might like to dress like a whore, she might like to feel free with her sexuality. She might even want to be temporarily treated that way, but only within parameters that she decides, where she feels safe.

While these ideas may seem incongruous, it is what it is. SUCKER PUNCH isn’t trying to have its cake and eat it too when it dresses the girls up slutty but has them kick ass: it is simply reflecting how girls already feel growing up in a world that constantly - and I mean CONSTANTLY - bombards them with diametrically opposed ideas: that their sexuality must be hidden and protected at all costs, and that they have no more worth than how sexually appealing they can appear to men. Neither idea is true, but both exist in society and in the minds of every woman. Denying it or calling it illogical doesn’t make it any less true.

Let’s go one more level. Virility, sexuality, is about youth. We can lambaste it forever but it doesn’t change how society is structured, or for that matter basic biology. I know of no beauty products for 40-year old women offering to help them look 60. Once a woman hits her 20s she spends the rest of the time trying to look as if she were 17. Fuller lips. Firmer breasts, Toned tummies, tighter skirts and masochistic heels that make the butt and legs look more....like a 17 year old girl.

Don’t shoot the messenger. Galling as it is, you know I speak the truth. Impossibly interwoven in this quest is the sexualization of the young. We have the cheerleader fantasy, the school girl outfit. On a sociological level they bother me. As a man I’m not going to sit here and tell you they aren’t hot. How do I live with those two ideas pushing against each other? Forget what I have to go through - how do women survive in this world? I may complain about women a lot (being a man this is my wont) but I tell you the truth: I cannot fathom how hard it is to be a girl. The pressures they are under boggle my mind.

This brings us back to Baby Doll. The very name is in a way sick, but that’s not SUCKER PUNCH’s fault. Hell, I bet most of you have called your loved one Baby. Have you ever thought about that? It’s a term of endearment, and I’m not looking to make trouble where there need not be, but just think about it for a minute: so obsessed with youth and sex is our culture that the very standard of loving pet name is to call someone an infant!

I know what you’re saying - Hyperion, you way over-think this. No. I’m. Not. You haven’t thought about it at all. Most people haven’t, and that’s because the implications are so far-reaching that they can give you vertigo.

Don’t believe me? Well, let me ask you this? Who’s your daddy? How bizarre is it that this term is so sexual in the right context?

I’m not arguing that it is; that’s obvious. I’m not even arguing that it’s harmful. The causes are way too large and complex to be decoded and understood here. But the point of all this returns to the outfits, to the names, to the tension that exists in society, and more to the point in SUCKER PUNCH - the juxtaposition of empowered girls who still want to feel...sexy.

I can think of no plainer way to say it than this: girls might want to dress up slutty but they don’t want to be treated like sluts. They may want to be spanked but they don’t want to be beaten. They may want to call their boyfriends daddy but they don’t want to be fucked by their fathers.

Oh, do my words go too far? Good. Let me say it again: Girls don’t want to be fucked by their fathers.

I hope this offends you. It should. But what offends me is that - for reasons we could (and should) talk about at length - AND PARTLY FOR THE VERY REASON THAT IT MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE TO THINK ABOUT - this happens to girls. Over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Maybe it didn’t happen to you. Congratulations. But I will bet you everything you have it happened to someone you know. It happened to someone in your extended family, and maybe not even that far away.

I know I’ve written about this before, and maybe some of you are tired of it. Too bad. I’m going to keep writing about it, and you know why? Because girls keep getting fucked by their fathers, and for that matter mothers keep staying quiet.

Sorry to ruin any surprises, but the first five minutes of SUCKER PUNCH make it very clear that this is the movie’s essential truth. Baby Doll has to escape the asylum or be lobotomized, but the real escape is from her father, the one that so many girls have to do. (And for the record, I know that often it’s an uncle or an older brother or mom’s boyfriend. The point is a young girl, a trusted adult.)

I wrote at the beginning of this review that the time comes for every parent to sit down and make the hard choices. The one I left out: should I or should I not fuck my kid? Should I sit by and do nothing while someone else does?

How ridiculous and sick does it sound when I put it like that? Of course it doesn’t happen that way, as if there were some horrific Pro/Con list a parent can make to ensure the right decision is made. YET IT KEEPS HAPPENING.

I’m not a parent. I don’t know how it happens. I don’t know what factors go into the thinking. I’m sure it doesn’t apply to you. But let me ask you this: what factors go into you putting your head in the sand and letting it happen to others? If you’re not willing to talk about it, to see the problem, you might as well slip into your daughter’s room tonight. After all, consistency is a very important thing for parents, or so I’ve read.

Okay. Deep breaths. Hyperion sometimes goes a little crazy with this subject. But so what? Screw you if it bothers you that I bring this up. It bothers me that you won’t.

One thing is for sure - and you need to understand why I wrote all this, and why here. SUCKER PUNCH the movie is about a lot of things. It’s a dizzying combo of music and action. It’s a kaleidoscope of colors and sounds, awash in emotions too complex to understand. It’s a not always successful but always entertaining story about girls kicking ass. It’s about girls finding their power, learning to fight for their lives, for their right to be free.

But when you strip the metaphors away, the movie is about girls not wanting to get fucked by their fathers. If that sentence disturbs you, if this review is too much, then you damn sure can’t handle SUCKER PUNCH at anything other than a “shiny lights loud noises video game” level.

Better to know what kind of person you are going in. That way you won’t get sucker punched.

CLOSING CREDITS

Thanks to Achmed for going with me to Dinner and to see the movie.

As soon as I got home Sunday night I got the Soundtrack. I’ve been listening to it all week. The songs are powerful in their own right, and gave me visceral memories of watching film. I listened to the songs all through writing this column. If you like the movie I predict you’re going to want to get the soundtrack. You can buy it on Amazon right now. Here are the tracks:

1. Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) Emily Browning
2. Army Of Me Björk
3. White Rabbit Emiliana Torrini
4. I Want It All / We Will Rock You Mash-Up Queen
5. Search And Destroy Skunk Anansie
6. Tomorrow Never Knows Carla Azar
7. Where Is My Mind? Yoav
8. Asleep Emily Browning
9. Love Is The Drug Carla Gugino and Oscar Isaac

I mentioned up above that watching SUCKER PUNCH brings recognition of different gilms and genres but on a personal level, there was also an overwhelming reminder of a Fairy Tale I wrote several years ago on a similar topic, called The Wall. If you made it this far through the review you can probably tell that I feel strongly about this subject. I recommend reading The Wall to anyone, and also my non-fiction follow-up Both Barrels. Thank you for your time and consideration.

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#763 - LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

2010-10-28T17:05:00.002-04:00

"Nothing more strongly arouses our disgust than cannibalism, nothing so surely unmortars a society; nothing, we might plausibly argue, will so harden and degrade the minds of those that practise it. And yet we ourselves make much the same appearance in the eyes of the Buddhist and the vegetarian. We consume the carcasses of creatures of like appetites, passions, and organs with ourselves; we feed on babes, though not our own; and the slaughter-house resounds daily with screams of pain and fear." -Robert Louis Stevenson

#763 - LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

I meant to write about it last summer. Then, last Halloween. Then, for Valentine's Day, then last month when the (ugh) American remake came out. Each time I failed you, Legion, but today I make amends.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN might possibly be the best Vampire movie ever made. In its own weird, creepy, disturbing, sweet psychotic way, it may be one of the best Romances too.

The film (in Swedish, with subtitles; more on that in a minute) is based on a 2004 novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist, and let us take a moment to talk about him. Lindqvist clearly sat down and thought through what it would be like in real life - strange as the notion may seem - if Vampires actually existed.

As much as I love the sexy-cool vibe of a True Blood or Underworld, Lindqvist's vision is more plausible. Imagine a being who is killed, but somehow does not die. Forced into this strange existence where daylight is so damaging to the body as to be fatal, and without regularly consuming nourishing oxygen-giving blood, flesh begins to rot. (One of the cool touches is that as the Vampire's need grows it begins to look sicker and sicker, as if wasting away from disease.)

Yes, we all know vampires have super speed and strength, but looked at naturalistically from the point of view of their limitations - they seem fragile, almost pathetic. Keep that in mind.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN follows 12 year-old Oskar, a boy with no friends, no father-figure, and no fun. Oskar is hunted, haunted, teased and tormented by bullies at school, and dreams of violent revenge he knows he's too much of a coward to ever pull off. We've all been there, or know someone who has. (Strange as it is to believe, Hyperion was picked on quite a bit as a child. I'm here to tell you the sad truth: Oskar's deadly revenge-fantasies are 100% accurate.)

In next door to Oskar moves Eli, also 12, along with an older man who never seems quite right. Soon enough we see this man kill a child and drain the blood for (we surmise) Eli.

Let me stop right there, because what I've just described sounds horrific, and I have no wish to downplay it. My understanding is that the book goes into this more explicitly, but the movie just hints that the old man is not just the servant of Eli, but there is some sort of sinister power struggle going on for them, and the old man has....evil intentions (toward children) of his own.

That aside, the scene where he kills the child and drains his blood is awful; no other way around it. (Not in quality, but in impact to watch.) Other than a small (and a somewhat bizarre) subplot involving cats, the film is incredibly grounded, and plays more like quiet character drama than as some glitzy monster movie. We fully feel the horror of what this man does to that boy. (As well as other acts of violence that, unlike most horror movies, do not litter throughout the scenes, but punctuate chillingly when we see them.)

By extension, we should judge Eli for the old man's actions. And, that's a fair point. What Eli does (take the blood of humans) is abhorrent, monstrous even. But go back up to the top and read the Robert Louis Stevenson quote again. (I bet you wondered why I had that there.) There are many Truths, but a movie can only be about one Truth, and in this movie, Eli does what she does for survival.

When I wrote that LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is a Romance I did not mean in a sexual or conventional sense. Eli and Oskar are both 12 (though Eli has been 12 for a very long time). They do not relate that way. But they do relate, both understanding something within themselves and each other, Oskar is surely a victim of Society, but in her own weird way, so is Eli.

Normally I'm quite vociferous about keeping young ones from violent content - and to be sure, the violence in LET THE RIGHT ONE IN seems more brutal than your average slasher flick, partly because the movie seems so natural, without gloss and polish. Yet, a teenager will likely understand Oskar and Eli better than you do - instinctively. It's impossible to rationally defend everything that happens - yet it feels right.

Some of you are down on movies with subtitles, but I encourage you to be open-minded. LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is largely without dialogue, relying on mood; quiet scenes to set our attention and build suspense. There are long passages without any words at all, and I don't think it will be too onerous to keep up even if you're not used to reading captions.

The last 15 years has given us the template of the Sexy Vampire movie, and I have no problem with that. Vampires can represent passion, lust, carnality of all kinds, and sometimes is a veritable metaphor for sex itself.

But there are other ways to look at it. LET THE RIGHT ONE IN takes the time to turn Vampire mythology inside-out, a fresh look at well-understood tropes, but from a totally different perspective. The result is terrifying, sweet, sad, disheartening and encouraging all at the same time.

You can't ask for much more from a movie than that.

Hyperion

October 28, 2010

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#762 - JONAH HEX

2010-10-28T10:35:00.005-04:00

#762 - JONAH HEX

If I was at someone's house and we needed something to do - if there was no mediocre movie that I had not seen, or a good movie that I had seen, if there was no game on, if there was no episode of a mediocre TV show that I had not seen, or episode of a good TV show that I had seen, if the girl was not at least mediocre-looking (or the guy really really really good looking) - if we truly had nothing else to do, I would not mind watching JONAH HEX.

(How's that for an endorsement? Put my quote on the back of the DVD, Warner Bros. I dare you!)

There's nothing super-terrible about JONAH HEX. It doesn't suck on ice. (That should read "stink on ice" to hit the metaphor correctly, but I like my version better.) It's just sort of there.

Confederate Chic, by Calvin Klein

Jonah is played by Josh Brolin, everyone's favorite surly actor of the past few years. The character is basically an extension of Brolin's Llewelyn Moss in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, if Moss had survived his confrontation with Anton Chigurh sans family and worse for wear.

For you see, Jonah Hex does lose his family, and is branded to boot, in the opening sequence, by one Quentin Turnbull (played with "buy a roll of stamps and mail it in" ho-hummedness by John Malkovich), for reasons initially unclear. Hex dies - no wait! - he doesn't; brought back to life by American Indians, and tries to chase down Turnbull. When Turnbull pulls the meanest trick of all - dying - Hex becomes a bounty hunter.

They could have called this movie "Being John Malkovich and Not Giving a Shit"

We learn all this in the first five minutes, and sure, it could have taken longer, but we got things to do, for low and behold, soon we discover that Turnbull is still really alive, and planing to destroy the good ol' U.S. of A. on its Centennial birthday (that's 1876, for those of you from Missouri), as payback for the Civil War.

If you think I've given anything away you really don't understand this type of movie.

There are some interesting parts. Aidan Quinn shows up as President Grant; I like Quinn no matter what he's up to. And Will Arnett shows up as a Union Army Captain, futher cementing the reputation (that we started learning a few weeks ago with his new FOX comedy Running Wilde) that Gob Bluth might be the only character Arnett can play.

Megan's only job was to look good sweating in a corset. Mission accomplished!

Perhaps most hilarious, Megan Fox shows up as a hard-edged prostitute with soft-spot for the disfigured. My favorite part of this subplot is not her by-the-numbers not-a-surprise-in-sight performance, but the fact that apparently the producers did not have the budget to hide her "Brian" tattoo, for current/ex/whoknows boyfriend Brian Austin-Green of 90210 fame. (Seriously: click on the picture for full-size and you'll see what I mean; it's right below the money.)

Also, Hex can talk to dead people, although there is rules and stuff. (Ain't there always?) This is by far the most interesting part of the movie, and made me wish there was more of it. There is also this evil snake-dude who spits venom who chews on Bo Duke - wanted to see that developed too.

In fact, JONAH HEX would have made much much much more sense as a Television show, which is not surprising seeing as how it was adapted from a graphic-novel comic. I learn from Wikipedia that originally they tried that route but were pushed to a movie instead.

I understand the reasoning (money), but why not try to make a good movie, or at least one that lasts a little longer? HEX is listed at 82 minutes, but that's B.S. The first minute and a half Studio logos, and at 73 minutes the credits start rolling. What's left is lean, mean, and very very short on exposition. It's not entirely bad - sometimes origin stories get a little tiresome, but some more meat could have made for a finer meal.

JONAH HEX reminds me a lot of WILD WILD WEST, in that it has a Western feel, there is the Steampunk aspect (where non-existent Sci-Fi technology is set in the Past), there's a Southern General trying to destroy America with a weapon of mass destruction, and you can't help but smile at who plays President Grant. I was also reminded of CONSTANTINE (dealing with the Underworld), and given that Hex was difficult to look at, I kept thinking of Nancy Grace.

Reading my review back over, it seems pretty negative, which is both true and misleading. There is simply no way I would ever pay to watch this movie, but it wasn't offensive or anything. About the only part that bothered me was when Hex tells President Grant (in July of 1876) to come find him if the country needs help again. Grant left office in early '77, making the conversation somewhat anachronistic.

I don't know if Hex knew that. I don't know if any of the filmmakers knew that. I know it really doesn't matter - it's just a friendly gripe. And in the end, that's all I'm doing here: some friendly griping over a movie that really doesn't matter.

[Want a much better idea than watching JONAH HEX? DC Comics released an 11 minute R-rated animated Short with their terrific "Batman: Under the Red Hood" DVD. Watch it on YouTube or below (full-screen has good resolution).]

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Bargain Matinee

2010-07-30T12:40:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago I joined Amazon Associates, which allowed me (in theory) to make a small % if anyone bought an Amazon product based off my recommendation. I was leery about this plan - I DON'T like the idea of pimping - but I reasoned that many of my columns discuss Movies and TV, and as long as I never compromised my professional Review opinion, why not? After all, you have to buy the stuff somewhere, why not buy it by clicking on one of my links?

If you noticed (or maybe you didn't), I haven't done this a whole lot. I never want my website to be Commercial, and am trying to use judicious selectivity. (That's why I wrote "in theory" in the above paragraph: so far no one has taken me up on my links.)

This brings me to yesterday, when I came across Movie prices so fantastic I couldn't pass them up. And, I wanted to pass them on to you. I'm not trying to be a corporate shill or anything, but wait until you see these prices. If you do like any of the options, feel free to use my links. Like I said, you'll be helping me out.

(The other reason I am doing this today: I can't guarantee how long the great prices will be available, so if you want it, snap it up now! Oh, and notice how I'm bringing you these great deals, which by definition lowers any commission I would make? Yeah, I'm a hero. Feel free to buy 3x as much because of this.)

SOLID RECOMMENDATIONS

MOTION IN THE OCEAN

I think we can all agree that Steven Soderberg hit it out of the park with the first OCEAN movie, as did Clooney, Pitt, et al. The two sequels had their moments, but were kinda misfires. That said, right now Amazon has all three current Ocean movies (OCEAN'S ELEVEN, OCEAN'S TWELVE, OCEAN'S THIRTEEN), plus also the 1960 Frank Sinatra Dean Martin original OCEAN'S 11 - all for $8.99. What did I say about amazing prices? I would pay $9 just for ELEVEN, so to get all four is an awesome deal.

ENOUGH ACTION TO PUT YOU IN TRACTION

Next up in the recommendations is what Amazon is calling the "Extreme Action" set. You get Wesley Snipes in PASSENGER 57 (which isn't great, but is strangely watchable because of all the cheesy lines). Then you get Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans in an undeniably bad movie that I somehow love - THE LAST BOYSCOUT. An underrated Arnold Schwarzenegger flick - also starring James Caan and a still-young-enough-to-be-super-hot Vanessa Williams - ERASER. Finally, my favorite of the four - Bridget Fonda and Gabriel Byrne in the sultry sleek THE POINT OF NO RETURN. I always watch this movie when it comes on TV, and it's even better on DVD because no editing! You get all four movies for only $7.99. That's 2 bucks a movie!!!

OFFICIAL STONE-CUTTERS RECOMMENDATION

What can I say about Police Academy movies? You love them...or you suck! I mean, c'mon! They got that guy from M*A*S*H - great bad guy. Hightower! Oh, and the sound-effects guy. What was his name? Well, I forget, but he's played by Michael Winslow, and how we didn't come up with a way to continually put him in TV and movies for the last 20 years is a collective failure for America. I think even Kim Cattrall was in one of the movies, back when she didn't need a walker and stuff. Hell - they made Steve Gutenberg look good. Beat that!

You get the first four Police Academy movies (POLICE ACADEMY, POLICE ACADEMY 2: THEIR FIRST ASSIGNMENT, POLICE ACADEMY 3: BACK IN TRAINING and POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL) for $7.99. Not even Kim Cattrall's that cheap!

MILD (VERY MILD) RECOMMENDATIONS

ON THE SLY

I'm not as big a Sly fan as some people, but back in the day he still could bring it. I do not recommend (but it's part of the package) - THE SPECIALIST (have you ever seen less chemistry than between Stallone and Stone? Ugh.), while I'm more so-so on OVER THE TOP. I have a soft spot in my heart for DEMOLITION MAN, mostly because it's our first look ever at Sandra Bullock and Wesley Snipes, who seems to be having a lot of fun. But what makes this four-pack (for only $7.49!) a winner is TANGO AND CASH, which is just about my favorite Stallone movie. Whereas Sly and Sharon couldn't generate ANY heat, Kurt and Sly just tear up the screen. Totally underrated mindless '80s movie, and makes the whole thing worth it.

WHEN BUDDHA MET BLACKBELT

If Steven Seagal is in on the joke he's one of the greatest comedians of all time. That's the thing with him - I can't tell. He may actually be taking himself seriously....which makes him even funnier. I haven't seen THE GLIMMER MAN, but it has another Wayans brother, and you can't tell me you've ever HATED any of them. I'm not saying they always make good stuff, but like the Baldwins, you can never just hate. FIRE DOWN BELOW is only so-so, and while Seagal's most famous movie is UNDER SIEGE, I never cared for it all that much, but hey, it's included. The one of these four I really kind of like is ABOVE THE LAW, which co-stars Sharon Stone, Pam Grier and Ron Silver, and has more cornball lines than an Iowa State Farm. Always cracks me up, and for $7.49, not bad if you like Seagal.

I CAN'T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE RECOMMEND ANY OF THE FOLLOWING, BUT THE PRICES ARE FANTASTIC, SO IF YOU'RE INTO IT, HAVE AT IT

Stephen King series - DREAMCATCHER, CREEPSHOW, CAT'S EYE (and the one I sorta like) DOLORES CLAIRBORNE - $7.49

HOUSE PARTY 1-4 - only for the haircuts and some pretty dope fly jiggy music. ($7.99)

THE BACHELOR, BED OF ROSES, LAWS OF ATTRACTION, DON JUAN DEMARCO - chicks, don't ever say I do nothing for you. I like about 15 minutes of LAWS OF ATTRACTION, and I can never get over how Marlon Brando is supposed to be sexy even looking like a bloated whale (not that I'm one to talk) - plus the DEMARCO one let's me tell my Bryan Adams story. You know the song (from the film) "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" - when Bryan sings "N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes" - well, you know how he draws out "eyes" for like 6 syllables, and makes it kinda hard to understand? My mom was listening to that once with me and thought Bryan sang, "N' when you can see your unborn children in her a-a-ass." (Do NOT tell her I told you that story or she will be super mad at me.) - $7.49

To make my friend Carlos happy - you can get four Dracula movies, of questionable quality, but hey. You can get HORROR OF DRACULA, DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE, THE BLOOD OF DRACULA and one I've actually seen (don't ask) - DRACULA A.D. Personally I feel these are only good if you're going to have a Mystery Science Theater 3000 type of party and make fun of them - which actually isn't a bad idea (and might get me to watch THE BACHELOR again) - but Carlos would want to defend the films as high quality. However, this is my column, not his, so they suck. ($7.49)

ONLY IF YOU'RE DESPERATE

Urban Action Collection: 4 Film Favorites (Black Belt Jones / Black Samson / Hot Potato / Three the Hard Way) ($8.49)

Richard Pryor Collection: 4 Film Favorites (Greased Lightning / Moving / The Mack / Uptown Saturday Night) ($7.49)

Elvis Presley Musicals: 4 Film Favorites (Kissin' Cousins / Live a Little Love a Little / Girl Happy / Tickle Me) ($7.49)

Elvis Presley Classics: 4 Film Favorites (Jailhouse Rock / It Happened at the World's Fair / Stay Away Joe / Charro) ($7.99)

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#759-761 TWILIGHT, NEW MOON and ECLIPSE

2010-06-30T13:49:00.001-04:00

I’ve seen all 3 Twilight Saga Movies (TWILIGHT, NEW MOON, ECLIPSE). Somewhat under duress, to be sure, but I’ve seen them and it is now my job to compare and contrast for you, lovely reader. Why do I do this? Masochism? The hope of getting paid? Team Jacob? Your guess is as good as mine.

In TWILIGHT we meet Bella, new resident of Forks, Washington (read: B.F.E.), Junior in high school, miserable, misunderstood (read: mopey as all get out). Bella is strangely drawn to Edward Cullen, part of the mysterious Cullen family, who all seem to be perpetually brooding and could use a tan. Either they’re part of some gothy emo band (and don’t count out that possibility), or they’re (wait for it).....

VAMPIRES!

oh noes!

(Albino, by Calvin Klein)

Edward seems repulsed by Bella - is it her? Is he gay? (Don’t count that out.) But no, it turns out Edward is completely in love with Bella, and “wants” her, so to speak, but is so afraid that if he is around her he will “lose control” and then she’d be in danger.

For her part, Bella is willing to take the risk, so in love with Edward that she’d die for him, and trusting him not to hurt her.

Such Love! Such Romance! Such Danger! Such Delusional....well, you get the idea.

(It's either the Forbidden Fruit metaphor, or something to do with fiber...)

At this point I must break the narrative to confess where I enter the Twilight Saga. Years before the movies came out I picked up the first book. I read a third or so, and had to quit. It was appallingly written, and while I’ve read books before that did not exactly aspire to literary greatness, the story was too boring to me. I felt then (and continue to feel after seeing the movie) that Twilight exists not in the fantasy world of vampires and other monsters, but the equally fairy-tale realm of what a teenage girl thinks love is.

I guess what I’m saying is that Twilight is a movie about Abstinence as much as anything. The Cullens turn out to be “good” vampires who don’t hurt anyone. In fact, most of the concept of vampires is neutered, both in the traditional lore and more poignantly in their implied violence. Oh, they brood and have those significant looks, but you’ve never seen a more well-behaved group. They could be the Model U.N. team from...Transylvania!

(The Young and the Breathless)

Why do I say it’s a teenage girl’s idea of love? Well, look at Bella. She’s afraid of Edward, but trusts herself to be around him and knows he would never “lose control” and hurt her. And even if he did, she loves him enough that it wouldn’t matter. They will be together, or she will die for love. Men can be absolute idiots about so many things, but with all due respect, only a teenage girl can be that dumb.

Men do not work that way. This is why teenage girls get into so much trouble (well, one reason) by idealizing love, by deciding they will give all for Love, and mythologizing their suffering and angst. But, hey, what’ya gonna do? If girls made wise choices society would more-or-less grind to a halt, so maybe we shouldn’t be so hard on them.

Back to our movie.

Anyway, Edward and Bella, dangerous to be around each other, can’t stay apart. You get the idea. He wants to protect her. She wants to be near him. Not much violence ensues. (Again, the way teenage girls think relationships work.)

None of this is to say I didn’t enjoy TWILIGHT. I did. Very much so. I just didn’t enjoy it at the level of some of my female friends, who apparently channeled their inner teenager. I can’t exactly hate - what are guys doing during super-hero movies? But for me, the enjoyment came out of laughing at the whole enterprise. This is because Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward, gives one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen in my life. Yeah, he’s pretty, if you like that white pasty look, but brooding and soulful looks an awful lot like vacant and possibly constipated, if you ask me. (I can see collective womandom rising up to say, “Who asked you?”)

(9021 O-Negative.)

Pattinson is just awful, but entertainingly awful. I enjoyed every minute of him on screen, if only to roll my eyes and take pot-shots. I watched the movie with my sister Jerrica (herself a Twi-hard fan, as they call themselves), and she did NOT appreciate my unending stream of quips and one-liners. But hey: whatever gets you through the storm, right?

Kristen Stewart (as Bella) has her charms, I suppose, but for my money she is just mopey. Some people like that that angst and drama. Not sure I’m one of them. I’m not looking for Meg Ryan the early years, but would it kill the girl to smile once in awhile? Also, while I admit it’s fairly true to life, I get annoyed with girls of this age (any age?) who absolutely live and die with how much they “feel” about their relationships. Yes, love can suck, but get over yourself a little! (Obvious exception: Juliet, who had the good sense to die within a couple of days of our meeting her, thus rendering her tragically heroic and not subjecting us to scenes of her complaining to Romeo, “You’re going out with the boys again?”)

Then yesterday I was informed that my other two siblings were coming to the midnight premiere of ECLIPSE, and I was required to be there too, to make a quartet. This entailed me first watching NEW MOON. which I did last evening before we left.

Edward is still dour and gloomy, but luckily he and his family are leaving forever, for some hastily explained aging thing. (This comes one day after a big party, and makes no thematic sense. I’m guessing huge parts of the book are excised to save time. This is the movie’s Achilles Heel. There is no flow to the narrative, and things happen almost out of the blue without much explanation.)

(Team Casper!)

You’d think with Edward gone we wouldn’t have to put up with him, but you’d be wrong, because there’s Ghost Edward to deal with. At least, that’s what it seems like. Edward appears as a vision to Bella time and time again, usually to warn her from some situation or another. (“Don’t!”) These appearances of Edward frighten Bella so much that she almost dies more than once.

My sister Jerrica swears this is not actually Edward appearing in visions, but rather Bella cracking up, missing her vampire-man so much. Maybe. Like I said, I haven’t read the books past the first 1/3 of Twilight, but from watching the movie straight up, it certainly isn’t obvious that Ghost Edward is a figment.

(If only there was a Thunderdome to solve all our problems!)

You’ve seen the commercials and campaigns for Team Edward or Team Jacob. When this first came out I had only seen TWILIGHT, of which Jacob is only a small part. Nonetheless, I immediately joined Team Jacob, even though I knew next to nothing about him. I did this partly as a protest vote since in TWILIGHT Edward is such a pansy, but also because my other three siblings (including my brother, and quite vehemently!) were so firmly on Team Edward. Anything they all agreed on that strongly had to be opposed on moral grounds.

After seeing NEW MOON I am completely and utterly convinced that through the first two movies there is simply no comparison - Team Jacob all the way.

Before you create a lynch mob, let me point out that I haven’t read these books. My siblings screeched to me 484 times how great Edward is in the books. Bully for him. All I can judge is the two movies I watched, and Edward continued to be a total pansy. I began to seriously question whether his staying away from Bella was over his love for her, or some other closeted issue, if you follow me.

(purrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

Moreover, Jacob is a total bad-ass. And (I really hope I’m not ruining anything here, but c’mon, like you didn’t know): Jacob becomes a werewolf! The werewolves are fantastic. A couple of the shots are shaky CGI, but most are stellar, and the transformational “Phasing” (from human to wolf) is really great. These wolves are totally menacing and sweet.

I want to stress here that I have nothing against vampires. I generally like all manner of vampire fiction, and who can’t get behind the idea of biting a chick’s neck when the mood strikes? Add to that - I’ve never been much for werewolves. But Jacob changed all that. Played by Taylor Lautner, he’s...well, good wouldn’t be the right word, but definitely less sucky. The character is more effervescent.

(Fashion line from Abercrombie and Sioux)

Plus - and this is just pure genius - because the “pack” of wolves are forever changing shape, they roam around without any shirts on, to facilitate their transformation. Hello, eye-candy. I found it almost disturbing (erotically disturbing?) how hot Jacob was. I won’t lie to you - when Jacob and Bella were on screen, I wasn’t looking at Bella. I would like to think this is because my staunch hetero self rejected Bella’s mawkish nature, but I can’t be sure. (We could have a Ryan Reynolds situation developing.)

(Were for art thou, Wolf?)

Every moment with wolves on screen was a lift for the series. They added snap and menace, an energy and vitality that the comatose (no pun intended) Cullen family so lacked.

This fact is slammed home when the movie suddenly shifts to Italy for the last third or so, a transition so mishandled that it almost literally stops the movie dead in its tracks. For realz; all the energy just dies when Bella goes off searching for these weirdo Volturi (who are like Vampire kings or something) to save Edward because he wants to....kill himself or something.

(I was never entirely clear on this. They talk about how hard it is for vampires to kill themselves, but for my money it doesn’t seem that tough. Immolation, baby! Why do you need permission from the cast of Don Giovanni? But I digress.)

(The Volturi! Coming soon to a dinner theater near you!)

Meant to be cool and sophisticated, it comes off as a bad Italian B-Horror movie mixed with a scene from the Matrix Reloaded without nearly the production values. Even the appearance of my girl Dakota Fanning can’t help much; she comes off like a teenage girl playing goth and on the verge --any minute now!--of writing some bad poetry.

(Make-up applied by her father, I Am Sam)

(Although: since I probably won’t mention it later, it’s worth noting that the Volturi, while still not understood, are much better utilized in part 3. Dakota’s part is better too. She broods well.)

Overall NEW MOON isn’t nearly as cohesive or straightforward as TWILIGHT, although the wolf parts are better than anything in part one, so hard to say which film would get the nod. One other negative: the films have three different directors, which is kind of a cool thing. Catherine Hardwicke (who made the wonderful THIRTEEN) really captured the teen angst angle in TWILIGHT. Chris Weitz does a good job in NEW MOON, but he’s overly reliant on Source Music added in. The clips he uses are too long and the lyrics to noticeable. At times it felt like I was watching music videos. A small thing, but kind of annoying.

This brings us to ECLIPSE, a total quantum leap in terms of quality. It takes the raw kinetic energy of the wolfie parts of NEW MOON and adds in the vampires more, but this time with stuff to do, and then there’s some actual bad vampires (finally!), and a big ol’ battle, and...well, lots of stuff.

Best of all - no gaping plot holes! I’m sure they cut just as much as from the other two books, but here you can’t tell. The movie flows with excellent rhythm.

Another great thing - Robert Pattinson has learned how to act a little! It’s not much, but it’s (again, pardon the pun) night and day better than his previous efforts. Kristen Stewart is also more animated, much more. She doesn’t really smile, but she does come alive a bit, and manages more emotion other than angst and depression, and it’s a good thing.

(He's either waiting for marriage, or for Bella to be a Fella)

For all his new-found power, though (and to be fair, Edward does pull off some major-league Awesome a couple of times), he still seems scared of sex. This comes up - don’t try to tell me the movie isn’t fixated with abstinence! All I know is, mopey or not, if Bella was throwing herself at me I wouldn’t be THAT scared.

So we got the energy and we got the story-flow, but there’s more. Director David Slade (30 DAYS OF NIGHT, HARD CANDY) brings a real air of danger and malevolence that’s been missing. There are some real scary scenes here (well, scary for Twilight), and this is the first of the three films I would question letting the younger girls watch. (I suppose Junior High is still probably fine in today’s culture, but I wouldn’t go much younger than that, but that’s me.) Slade also brings a very nice visual style - there are several moments that are just Striking. (Vamps coming out of the water spring to mind. Everything around the tent is awesome too in terms of visual oomph.) The man knows how to frame and pull off a shot.

Then there’s the Love Triangle.

(Take me, Wolfie!)

In TWILIGHT we mostly got Bella and Edward. NEW MOON had little Edward, although Bella was still so moony (groan) over him that she had a hard time seeing Jacob as more than a good friend. (It does help once he takes off his shirt.) But finally the Triangle is in full bloom, and it is a sight to see, as Bella is forced to confront her feelings of love for both men, and pulls off the rare feat of being a slut while still being a virgin. (It's a teenage-girl thing.) Jacob and Edward do NOT like each other, and every scene they are in ripples with anger (and maybe a touch of homo-eroticism?)

Unfortunately, because of the “bad” vampires Jacob and Edward have to work together, to protect Bella. At one point when Edward is delivering her to the wolf for protection he grouses, “Doesn’t that guy own a shirt?” It’s a great line.

Even better - a scene the three of them spend in a tent during a blizzard. (They are all up on a mountain-top to protect Bella.) I don’t want to ruin it (it’s a CLASSIC), but one part I can tell you, because it’s just too awesome not to share.

(Okay, this isn't the actual scene, but it was too funny to pass up. Don't hate.)

So Bella is cold as ice and starting to get hypothermia. Poor Edward is miserable and can’t do much to help (being a “cold one” and all). Jacob pokes his head in and notices this and offers to warm her up (as a werewolf he gives off oven-like heat). Edward rejects this and claims he can protect Bella, to which Jacob replies “I’m hotter than you.”

This is a nifty line, what the Japanese would call Fan Service, a tribute to the raging Twi-hards out there who are so obsessed.

I can’t believe I’ve been writing for 2400 words, so let’s wrap this up quickly. If you’re a TWILIGHT fan, books or movies, I can’t see you being anything but pleased. ECLIPSE is just light years better than its predecessors, and bodes well for the final chapter.

If you’re NOT a fan, I don’t think the series is anything close to Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. You’re not missing out on the Great Art of our time. But, it is a cultural phenomenon, and there are plenty of ways to enjoy it. I laughed myself silly through part one, and contented myself with a few jabs in part 2, and more “Team Jacob!” to annoy my sister. I fiercely whispered Jacob’s name plenty of times in part 3, but I hardly needed to. The movie stands up quite nicely on its own.

I’ve probably been to three-score midnight movie premieres, and to Opening Night Hundreds of times. I have NEVER EVER EVER seen a movie theatre parking lot that packed. The crowds were immense, and I would very much expect records to fall this week. With how good ECLIPSE has turned out, They may keep setting them for some time.

Oh, and in case I wasn’t clear - TEAM JACOB FOREVER!

Hyperion
June 30, 2010
5:56 a.m.

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#758 KNIGHT AND DAY

2010-06-29T07:06:00.001-04:00

#758 - KNIGHT AND DAY

As I walked (well, hobbled) out of the theatre last Friday night I couldn't help but ponder the title. KNIGHT AND DAY. One part is fully explained in the film, and I suppose you could extrapolate the rest, but there was still a piece missing in the explanation. (It was of no surprise to me whatsoever that KNIGHT AND DAY was a compromise title, after several others were tried and rejected.)

Movie titles seldom have much to do with our enjoyment of movies, and it certainly did not "hold me back" in this case. It was just an odd thing, something I expected to be wrapped up a little tighter. No big deal, but just a little less than it could have been.

You're smart people. I'm betting you already guessed why I mention the title at the outset. That's right. My views there pretty much reflect how I felt about KNIGHT AND DAY in general: the film was enjoyable, and for the most part clicked. Parts of it did not, and this really did not hamper me from having a good time, yet it could have been a little tighter, a little more....something.

The trick to enjoying KNIGHT AND DAY, in my opinion, is to properly understand that, no matter what the marketing, this is NOT an action film. Oh, sure, there's plenty of action in it, but if you're going in looking for the usual testosterone-fueled mayhem, you're not likely to come away happy.

I think KNIGHT AND DAY is absolutely without question a Chick Flick. I'm convinced of it. Cameron Diaz plays June Havens, who works on classic cars (partly out of connection to her late father), and is so committed to quality that she's willing to fly to Wichita to pick up parts rather than have them shipped to her in Boston. Frankly, if you can believe someone who looks like Cameron Diaz would work as a mechanic on classic cars or fly to Kansas to get parts you can buy anything else that happens.

Cameron is getting closer to 40 in real life, and while still a gorgeous woman, chooses to show a bit of her age. One close-up in particular showed off those lines by the eyes - what are those called....crow's nest or something? Crowfoot? (Something Native-American, if I recall.) I mention this not to be sexist, but because it's so unusual for a movie to admit that any starring woman is over 25. This is what clued me into the true nature of the film.

After June runs into Roy Miller (Cruise), it quickly becomes apparent he's a dangerous killer, as in, he kills everyone else on an airplane they're both on and crash-lands it into a corn-field. (This is NOT a spoiler; it's in the trailer, and besides, if you get upset about learning that, you really don't understand the nature of chick-flicks.)

What cracked me up is that June is only mildly concerned about the fact that every time Roy shows up every seems to keep getting killed. She's more concerned with whether he likes her, and if she will miss her opportunity to kiss him and enjoy life, etc. It's quite hilarious and a great metaphor for a single-woman's dwindling choices as the years pass. (Do NOT get pissed at me ladies; you know I speak (well, write) Truth.)

I've read reviews that say Cruise and Diaz have no chemistry, but those reviewers must all abuse sick animals in their spare time, because I thought the two of them are terrific together. I've never been the world's biggest Cameron Diaz fan, but here she has an easy comic timing and rhythm. She reminded me of THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY in the way she seemed quite natural.

As for Cruise...well, I am on record as being a huge fan of his movies. I even wrote an angry column 5 years ago when the whole world turned against him. I judge my desire to see his movies not by speculation on his personal life but by whether his movies are awesome - which they almost always are. I think you could easily put Cruise up against any star of the last 30 years and his best stuff would hold up. (That's actually a good idea; someone remind me and we will do that next week.)

Undermining my "no psychobabble" stance of last paragraph, I did want to mention something interesting about Cruise's character Roy Miller. The film had over 12 different people work on the script (which may well be reflected in the slight lack of total cohesion, which is a legitimate criticism), and also had many different people slated to star at some point, including Chris Tucker, Adam Sandler and Gerard Butler. Hard to imagine Tucker and Sandler pulling off the character, and when I looked into things more I saw that when Cruise came aboard he had quite a few changes made to his Roy Miller. (This is pretty standard when stars sign on to a movie, especially a popcorn flick like this.)

What's interesting about it is that Roy Miller is a killer, efficient and professional, almost ridiculously skilled. He's also extraordinarily helpful. He is so kind to June even as her world is falling apart (or he's kidnapping her, or drugging her, etc.), trying to help her get by. Another time he has to shoot a man to keep him from following, but catches him and helps break the fall, and then keeps him encouraged by telling the guy he'll probably get promoted for heroism.

It sounds corny as all get-out, but this actually rang true for me, with what I know of Cruise. In this month's Esquire Magazine there is a very interesting profile of Cruise that's mostly him in his own words. As a kid Cruise had no dad around and a mom struggling to get by to take care of Tom and his sisters. Early on Cruise was always the one to "take care" of things, whether that meant working as a kid to bring in extra money, or keeping the girls entertained with jokes and stories. It's a great article, because it helps explain Cruise so much.

And it explains why Cruise would be drawn to Roy Miller, and play him the way he does. I won't tell you the details (there are some cool surprises), but I was struck again and again how important it was for Miller to "take care" of the people he loved. One of the catch-phrases that comes up again and again stems from this need to provide - "I Got This." Sure it's a cutesy thing to put in a movie, but amazingly, it works.

Would I recommend this film? My brother and I enjoyed it, but I'd be lying if I said it was one of Cruise's best. Still, it was fun to watch, and if you want to get the most out of it, my recommendation would be to take a woman to see it, under slight duress. That way you get the credit for seeing one of her "chick flicks" with her but can still enjoy it. (Afterward you can talk about how hard it is for a single woman out there that they're forced to consider super-spy killers for boyfriends. She'll get mad but actually be happy you're talking about woman and relationships, about which she will have umpteen opinions. Trust me.)

After the movie come up with some way to do something she might normally do, and when you do it, look her in the eye and smile and say, "I Got This."

You'll be in like Flynn.

Credits and Specs

Directed by James Mangold

Written by Patrick O'Neill (and at least 12 others)

Starring: Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz

Also featuring: Peter Sarsgaard, Viola Davis, Paul Dano, Marc Blucas, Maggie Grace, Jordi Molla

Rated: PG-13

Runtime: 110 minutes

Hyperion's Rating Guide

Suspension of Disbelief: 10 out of 10 - This is pure James Bond "Invincible Spy" territory, without an ounce of worry for realism. Think "Alias" (but happy-go-lucky instead of Dark) for realism.

Genre Grade: If we grade this on the Action/Spy Field, only a B or B-. However, as you see in my review, I put this firmly in the "Chick Flick+" camp, meaning a Chick Flick plus some stuff for guys, and by that standard (a girl's movie she can get her guy to see), I'd go A-. Not a Miranda in sight.

Objectionable Material? - The violence is cartoonish, there's no sex or nudity and not much language; I wouldn't have any problem with Middle School and up.

Pantheon Percentile: The idea here is to rank the movie compared to all other movies ever made before it. (For example, a completely average movie would be 50% better than the rest and score a 50.) KNIGHT AND DAY was above average, fun to watch, and will probably hold up fairly well on a TBS/TNT rotation. But I'm not standing in line for the DVD. 71.

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