"Find hungry samurai" -Gisaku

2003 SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW


Since I’ve been writing this movie series in the regular column I’ve been kind of eating, drinking, and sleeping (or not sleeping, as the case may be) the world of film. If you couldn’t tell already, I really love movies. But I must say I’m not too excited about this summer’s crop of films. I can name on one hand the movies I’m excited about, and two of them—X-Men II and Matrix Reloaded—have already come and gone. Another movie, The Shape of Things, a Neil Labute film for anyone who likes him, is already out, and it’s another month until The Hulk, the movie I’m looking forward to the most.


And that’s pretty much it. This summer I am definitely not counting the days with Advent Calendar-like anticipation. (That’s actually a pretty good line. I may use it in my next regular column, and only you people will know I stole it…from myself) A brief run-down and you’ll see why…



MAY

Bruce Almighty Jim Carey is given the powers of God for one week. First order of business: Make it so I never saw The Cable Guy.


Down With Love Ewan McGregor and Renée Zellweger in a ‘60s love farce. It might be good, but are you losing any sleep over it? I’m not.


Finding Nemo From the people who brought us Toy Story and Monsters Inc., we get an epic tale…about fish. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood or maybe the preview just sucked like a four-dollar hooker (that is to say: badly), but I’m not keen on a movie about searching for a guppy. To me, it just looks like a set-up to show how good the animation is. Fuck that: I want a good story.


The In-Laws Michael Douglas and Albert Brooks have kids getting married to each other. Remember when Douglas used to make must-see movies? When was the last time he did that?


The Italian Job Looks sexy, but I saw the original, which wasn’t good. Maybe remaking bad movies is a good way to do things right, but on the other hand, Mark Wahlberg has already been in one remake, Planet of the Apes, Need I say more?


Daddy Day Care has already opened, to a domestic gross of 40 million dollars. Who are these people that are going to this movie? They can’t all be French. If you know them, please run them over repeatedly with your car. It’s your civic duty. You see; the only way Eddie Murphy will EVER make a good movie again is if people stop watching his god-awful monstrosities. Do if for me, please?


May is too depressing. Let’s move on to June.




JUNE

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle Ass-kicking slutty girls: proof that a great concept does not a good movie make. I hated the first one, and you’d have to lobotomize me to watch this. I’m such a hater.


2 Fast 2 Furious the oh-so-clever named sequel to 2001’s surprise hit The Fast and The Furious. The only good thing about the first one, Vin Diesel (along with his gorgeous sister, played by Jordana Brewster), is now MIA for the sequel. You heard it here first: this movie will suck beyond your mortal powers of comprehension.


Hollywood Homicide stars Harrison Ford, who usually makes sound choices in movies. (Repeat after me: K-19: the Widowmaker never happened.). Only, Hollywood is a buddy-cop movie with…Josh Hartnet. Yes, the same Josh Hartnet who stole Ben Affleck’s girl in Pearl Harbor. Sigh. I think Harrison Ford could be turning into the next Michael Douglas.


Come to think of it, Douglas seemed to quit caring once he got a hot wife: Catherine Alpha-Delta-Zeta-Jones. Harrison Ford dumped his wife last year for Calista Flockhart (I know; not the same league as Catherine, but someone thinks Calista is hot, or Ally McBeal never would have lasted beyond the 3rd Season), and now he’s making bad movies. Maybe there’s a connection…


When Harry Met Lloyd: Dumb and Dumberer I really liked the first movie, so a prequel sounds pretty good. Except; they took out Jeff Daniels and Jim Carey. These must be the same people making the Furious movie.


From Justin to Kelly the American Idol movie. Just pick your own swear word, and let’s move on.




JULY

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines Now here’s a movie to get excited about…ten years ago, when Arnold wasn’t 87 years old. I used to see Every Schwarzenegger movie unfailingly, but sadly, he hasn’t had a great picture since True Lies in ’94. I weep for Arnold. I really do. I should be so excited about this newest Terminator, but even a hot-girl bad robot doesn’t do anything for me. I don’t even like the name, “Rise of the Machines.” Isn’t that what all the Terminators are about?


Seabiscuit is about a horse and his boy, and everyone is already talking Oscar. I have no reason to think the movie will be bad, other than I always get suspicious when people start handing out nominations before they’ve seen the movie. I’m holding out hope, but I’m not optimistic.


Bad Boys II the first one was terribly edited, and that’s before I knew Michael Bay made it (he’s the bastard who foisted Pearl Harbor on us).


Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde stars Reese Witherspoon, and that’s all you really need to know. If you liked the first movie, by all means go see this one. Myself: I’ve never bought into Witherspoon, didn’t see the first, don’t care about the second.


Maybe it’s just me, but all these movies look so terrible. Then again, at The Matrix Reloaded the other night there wasn’t one good preview. It’s sad really. Maybe all these movies will be really great, but they don’t look great. Let’s finish before I get so depressed I start drinking Drano.


Pirates of the Caribbean Now here’s something to get excited about…no, I can’t do it. People: there hasn’t been a good pirate movie since the days of Errol Flynn, and he slept with young girls. Maybe to make a good pirate movie you actually have to be a pirate. Better yet, I understand that this movie is based on a Disneyland ride…I’m sorry, but who the fuck comes up with these ideas? Forget about killing the Daddy Daycare people. Please, loyal subject, go find whoever thought of making a movie about a ride and tell them the only acceptable rides would be the Teacups, or if they want to make a horror movie; It’s a Small World


League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Based on a British comic book, the idea is that 19th Century literary characters are real, and they’ve gotten together to fight crime. The thing is, though, I visited the official website last night, and I watched the trailer, and they are setting it up like some Goth creep-fest. I don’t have high hopes. Yeah, I know: broken record.


Tomb Raider 2: I don’t even care enough to look up the actual title Even if it wasn’t with the disgusting Angelina Jolie, no thank you. I’m firmly convinced Hollywood is incapable of an original idea.


Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas There hasn’t been a good animated movie in years (and no, I haven’t seen Lilo and Stitch, so please don’t send me letters telling me how the movie is so good you painted your walls the color of Stitch’s nose), but I do like the idea of Brad Pitt trying to sound Middle-Eastern.




AUGUST

American Pie III First one rocked, second one very disappointing. I very much hope I don’t cave and see the third. Boy, I hope they never start making these just for the money.


Matchstick Men Nicolas Cage as an obsessive-compulsive con man. If ever a movie sounded like some studio executives met to throw together a concept: “I know! Let’s have Nicolas Cage as a con-man, and give him some sort of personality disorder!” Worse: Ridley Scott, of Gladiator fame, directs the movie. Now, many of you loved Gladiator, but you have to admit the characterization was pretty bad. At least there, though, you had death and incest. What are you going to do here besides watch Cage wash his hands 49 times after handling stolen money?


Gigli Jennifer Lopez could not be naked enough to make me want to see her and Ben Affleck as rival Mafia assassins who fall in love.


S.W.A.T. does have Coolest-Man-On-The-Planet Samuel L. Jackson, but seeing the preview I get the feeling I’ve seen the movie four thousand times before. Not anyone’s fault, but how many hostage situations can you see before it’s “been there, done that”?


Freddy vs. Jason sounds cool…about 12 years ago. I have news for you Hollywood: twelve years ago Bill Clinton sounded cool. What’s next: Alf-the Movie?


Wonderland is a movie about legendary porn star John Holmes, and it’s not going to even have the one thing (the one really big thing) that anyone would be interested in: his legendary “member.” Instead, they are focusing on some murders that happened later in his life. Who cares about murder when you have John Holmes? That’s like eating Vienna sausage and ignoring the Foot-long dog. Sorry: that’s a really bad analogy.


Shaolin Soccer A movie about a mystical kung fu soccer team. At least it’s original.


As for me, I think I’ll use this summer to write a book. Or at least read a book. I think I’ll swear off movies. At least until The Hulk, at which point I may a pom-pom waver once again. But if it sucks…

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