What happened before the movie

I can’t tell you about the most interesting thing that happened before WAR OF THE WORLDS, but there are a few things I’m able to share.

First, I was with a bunch of guys: Quincy, Marcellus, Forrest and Spike. I know, I know; it sounds like a total sausage fest. Yet these kind of numbers work for me.

For one, all of them are married. (Well, no one has ever seen Marcellus’s wife, but I’ve seen his passport; the dude’s married). Being around married guys is an instant leg-up on talking to girls because they are all too scared too; terrified that word might get back to their masters, I mean wives.

Secondly, they are all just so happy to escape the dungeons of home for even a short time, that they don’t even think about hot girls. Lastly, ain’t a one of them too pretty, so that helps me out too. I’m just kidding. Actually, all are better looking than I, but they lack what I possess: that certain kind of dazzling arrogance that makes a man think every woman is interested in talking to him.

I love roaming around before movies. There is such an energy in the lobby, and most people are willing to strike up a conversation. I love getting new email addresses for the column and generally talking to every beautiful girl I can find. Maybe it’s the smell of popcorn that triggers it.

While I was waiting for Forrest to buy some snacks, I noticed this cardboard stand-up advertising some new movie. It was a close-up of some chick I didn’t recognize, which is rare for me. Unfortunately there was an older couple (read: 40s) standing in front of the thing, so I edged up to it, as not to startle them, trying to see what movie it was too.

Like nine kinds of idiot I realized it was a Maybelline ad. I told the couple and they thought it was pretty funny too.

Later in the theatre one of the 37 commercials before the trailers (seriously: it’s getting out of hand) was for Maybelline. The tag line is “Maybe it’s Maybelline.” One of the guys behind me came up with “Perhaps it’s Perhapsalline.”

You almost had to feel sorry for these losers. Before the commercials the screen had those “Who am I?” deals where they run a blurred picture of some actor and give away clues, each time making the picture a little easier to see. The guys behind us were guessing completely off-the-wall names, which was sort of funny the first time, but after that was totally played. Sometimes I feel sorry for guys who feel this desperate need to say funny lines to impress their friends. I mean, we all do it if we think of something funny, but these guys were clearly working way too hard. It was sad, really.

The previews were both fantastic and awful. WEDDING CRASHERS is a very well-made preview, and while it may contain all the funny parts of the movie, it does a good job of making you want to see it. (You know if I’m looking forward to a Vince Vaughn movie, they did something right).

After that was the first I’d seen of KING KONG. A very well-made preview (though I'm a tiny bit worried about Jack Black), and of course Peter Jackson is directing it, so this promises to be the must-see movie of the end of the year. I was surprised we got so much of Kong in the preview, figuring they’d go for more of a Godzilla approach and not show the monster too much, but then again, while GODZILLA was a great preview, it ended up sucking, so maybe they don’t want to follow that path.

After that was THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE. This is the best preview of the year, by far. Outside of Lucas, who literally turns his previews into art, the best trailer in the last 12 years was probably LEGENDS OF THE FALL. Well, NARNIA comes close. They completely follow the formula of showing us extended shots of the opening, but then nothing longer than 2 seconds after the first act. This is how you do it. Don’t give anything away, but just tease them with images they won’t forget. This could be a great series.

After that came CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, which looks exactly the same except for Johnny Depp doing a bad Jim Carey impression. Why did they remake this? I have such a bad feeling about it.

Next was ELIZABETHTOWN, which is directed by Cameron Crowe, who usually does stellar work, but stars Orlando Bloom in a modern role. The film looks terrible, but at least we’ll be able to see if Bloom got lucky with Legolas or is truly a terrible actor. (For more on him check out my discussion on actors.)

Finally there was FOUR BROTHERS, which looks even stupider. Mark Wahlberg is okay in the right role, but ever since the Marky Mark days I’m pretty sure he’s convinced he’s black. This will definitely not help.

Anyway, what started as a great preview session totally turned bad and I was very depressed by the time the movie started. They should stagger them better, so that the best most anticipated previews are right before the end so you’re all pumped up.

Luckily the movie came on and I quickly forgot all about it.