"Find hungry samurai" -Gisaku

#752 - EAGLE EYE







Movie-Hype (#752) - EAGLE EYE




I will say at the outset that I enjoyed EAGLE EYE, though don't ask me why. I'm writing this review a few hours before attempting voting, an act that might very well cripple me for months, so perhaps it was the near danger that got my endorphins pumping. Or, it could be that I finally managed to find fifty cents and buy a Jack Links beef steak out of our freezer. (My mom charges for the treats she buys so that she can fund buying more treats, but it is torture to hobble by the freezer every day knowing beef steak is so close at hand. Also in the freezer isHershey's dark chocolate (two squares for a quarter), but those are easier to resist.)

Whatever the reason, I had a good time watching EAGLE EYE. I mention this because I am wondering if you (my often-donating-to-pay-pal-so-Hyperion-can-buy-beef-steak public) will enjoy the movie. I have several helpful suggestions, "ways" to watch the movie, to allow you to enjoy the experience. Pick the one that best suits you.


WAYS TO WATCH EAGLE EYE




1. WATCH EAGLE EYE AS IF IT IS A COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE SCENARIO, A NEAR FUTURE "TECHNO-THRILLER" THAT "COULD HAPPEN"
The problem with this approach is that you have to have the intelligence level of a plate of spaghetti. (Ragu, not Prego.) You have to be so bell-curve wreckingly credulous as to not understand that this very sentence that I am writing RIGHT NOW describes thou. Perhaps this fits the bill, and then by all means watch EAGLE EYE as it was intended: a realistic look the way things work in actual real life.





2. WATCH EAGLE EYE JUST "LOOKING" TO SAVAGE EVERY LAST PLOT HOLE, LEAP OF LOGIC AND CONTINUITY ERROR
I call this the "Ajax Approach," after my good friend Ajax, who isn't happy with a piece of art unless he can write a 48,000 word essay on why it's so terrible. And then watch it again. I have learned in my travels that the Ajax Approach is employed by a sizable number of you, which is why I am suggesting it. I use to rail against suchhaterism, but who am I to hate on what gives people a good time? Think of it as MST3K, but using a Plausibility Scale rather than Production Values. If you're one of these, EAGLE EYE should be your holy grail. Savage way, my friends.





3. WATCH EAGLE EYE FOR THE TWO LEADS, HOLLYWOOD UP-AND-COMERS TO BE SURE
This is another approach that Hyperion is trying (very hard) not to criticize any longer. Some people, perhaps actually most people, prefer to watch their movies because of the "stars" involved. I believe I am on record dozens of times pleading with you that this Star Approach is not the best way to find good movies. However, since there are so many of you, feel free to take the option here, even if the two stars are not on your "must watch" list yet.

Shia LaBeouf has arrived in the last 18 months, with DISTURBIA, TRANSFORMERS and INDIANA JONES AND THE SKULL KING DRINK CRISTAL. LaBeoeuf is a bona fide action man, which is surprising to me. I have loved the child since EVEN STEVENS, but I always saw him becoming a fixture on a great sitcom. Hey, more power to him. As for the chick, MichelleMonaghan is fast becoming a household name on her own. I will be reviewing GONE BABY GONE soon, and this girl definitely has it. Of course, neither star is allowed to "act" all that much, but they are convincing, which is all you can ask for. If you are really into actors, you should enjoy Billy Bob Thornton, Rosario Dawson, MichaelChiklis, Ethan Embry and William Sadler. Only Chiklis really gets to do any acting, but Thorton does get in a great line, like this one, right after he's been shown up (by a girl!) in front of his men:

"If you're staring at me, it better be because I'm the goddamn suspect...because if I don't get some good leads soon, you're all going to be demoted to something that requires touching shit with your hands."





4. WATCH EAGLE EYE WITH THE THUMPING HEART OF OF A FUZZY LIBERAL, UNDERSTANDING THAT WHILE SOME OF THE SPECIFICS MAY BE "HOLLYWOOD," THE STORY ON THE WHOLE IS A GREAT CAUTIONARY TALE OF WHAT EVILNEOCONS COULD (AND WOULD) DO
If you're a level 6 Vegan (and don't eat anything that casts a shadow); if you think The Daily Kos is full of a bunch of sniveling moderates; if Barack Obama's conservatism scares the hell out of you; if Dick Cheney scares the hell out of you (while in a weird way you don't quite understand and could never admit to fellowbirkenstockers , makes you think naughty thoughts), this might be the way to go. I am not going to describe the "conspiracy," but let's just say that Maxine Waters has already scheduled hearings on whether the premise was first tested in Compton and Watts. Sit back and watch this "scary" movie, then comfort yourself that as long as KeithOlbermann is on the case the evil conservatives will never get away with it.




5. WATCH EAGLE EYE AS YOU WOULD A SMALL NIECE'S SCHOOL PLAY: WITH NO PRECONCEPTIONS WHATSOEVER THAT THE PRODUCTION WILL MAKE SENSE OR BE GOOD, BUT DETERMINED TO ENJOY IT ANYWAY, 'CUZ WHY NOT?
If you fall into this camp, do everything in your power not to watch the criminally horrible trailers, which give the premise of the movie away. Just watch. You know my Suspension of Disbelief Index? Use that. EAGLE EYE might be the heir apparent to ENEMY OF THE STATE, but it makes that film look like a documentary on peanut butter by comparison. As far as realism goes, think TRANSFORMERS. Don't wish that Spielberg had gone ahead and directed the project (instead of handing it off to Caruso), but thankCrom that Michael Bay didn't get the call instead. Roll your eyes as one ridiculous thread is hung on another, but then let it go. Tip your cap to an exciting twist when it finally arrives, and try not to drop your jaw as the last fifteen minutes blows the previous ridiculousness out of the water. Above all, for the love of things paranoid, never NEVER ask yourself (or anyone sitting next to you), "Why?" Any "Why would they....?" will destroy the film like a guillotine, and if that happens, heads will roll.


Hyperion
November 4, 2008
4:32 am

1 comment:

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

Nah, the Koziacs are only moderate in their insanity.

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