MovieHype00668 – June ’06 Movie Preview
Back in May of 2003, I wrote a hilarious HyperionX about the coming movies of Summer ’03. I was in a terrible mood when I wrote it, and my predictions were pretty dire. (I was only really wrong on a few, which I amended when I wrote the reviews later on.)
I decided to do the same thing for Summer, and Koz agreed to help me. It turned out to be a bigger project than we imagined, so we broke it down to one month. We also weren’t in terrible moods, so there isn’t as much snarkiness, but I think we still did okay.
Our conversation happened over the phone. Koz looked up the movies and I typed what the two of us said:
Koz: First we have THE BREAK-UP
Hyperion: What’d we finally agree to call these two? Vinjen?
Koz: I hate to admit it, but I’ve actually seen this. Many more stars than I thought would be in it. Of course, Vince Vaughn and heterosexual life partner John Favreau are always funny. Cute movie, with an unexpected legitimate ending, but I wouldn’t pay full price. However, will score you points with the wife.
Hyperion: Wife, Schmife. I think you’re just gayer than Hitler.
Koz: Hey! That’s my line!
Koz: next up: TYPHOON
Hyperion: I’m only mentioning this because it has a pirate in it.
Koz: hopefully Tracy Lynn and Lady Jane Scarlett will leave you alone.
Koz: Now there’s a couple of wenches you don’t want to piss off…..
Koz: Here we go:
Hyperion: You’ve got to be kidding.
Koz: the movie’s directed by Joel Silverman, who also directed DEATH TO THE SUPERMODELS. Based on that alone, this is a must see.
Hyperion: [rolls eyes]
Koz: This looks good: CARS. Based on advertising alone CARS should be huge. Even my son, who’s two, wants to see it.
Hyperion: Stormlord wants to see this? I didn’t know he was old enough to talk.
Koz: He’s two, moron, not a Democrat. Basically he says three main things: Chocolate Milk, doo-doo in the potty and Paul Newman flicks rock.
Hyperion: He says all that, does he?
Koz: Well, I’m paraphrasing.
Hyperion: When I first saw the previews, it looked stupid, but everyone seems to think it’s awesome.
Koz: A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION. Two words. Lindsay Lohan.
Hyperion: Isn’t a Robert Altman movie? He’s the Man, but why would he put LL in there?
Koz: Supposedly she can act
Hyperion: Dude, she can’t even eat. How do you expect her to act?
Koz: THE OMEN
Hyperion: I pretty much covered that Tuesday with my talk of 6-6-6.
Koz: You didn’t mention how scary that kid is not. Kevin in HOME ALONE was scarier.
Hyperion: To drum up support they put billboards of that kid in key cities, with the slogan “You’ve been warned.” They even had a plane flying over
Koz: NACHO LIBRE
Hyperion: You either buy Jack Black or you don’t.
Koz: This is the same dude who did NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, so we definitely need to Vote for Nacho.
Hyperion: That reminds me a great joke. Frank and Joe steal cheese from a government program [back when the government used to give out cheese instead of headaches] and they are running away. Frank says to Joe, “I wonder what kind of cheese this is?” Joe replies, “It’s Nacho Cheese.” Frank demands, “How can you possibly know that?” and Joe answers, “Cause that guy chasing us keeps yelling out ‘That’s Nacho Cheese! That’s Nacho Cheese!’”
Koz: Groan. If we’re going to be telling old school bad cheese jokes, did I ever tell you about Fromunda Cheese?
Hyperion: Let’s move on.
Koz: THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS:
Hyperion: The first TFATF was the only film I have ever willingly walked out of.
Koz: When have you unwillingly walked out?
Hyperion: the premiere of GHOSTBUSTERS. My parents made us leave (uncomfortable with kids seeing demon possession) and I still haven’t been allowed to see it.
Koz: What are you, 30, or 3?
Hyperion: You’ve met my mother…
Koz: Good point.
Hyperion: This movie can’t possibly be good.
Koz: They already have a ride at Universal Studios. That’s probably the only way to get the people to see the movie.
Koz: THE LAKE HOUSE, aka SPEED 3
Hyperion: I have nothing funny to say about this movie, so let’s make fun of Speed. Remember all those jokes when I caught my sister watching SPEED 2 with Inga? There was like: SPEED 8: ESCALATOR.
Koz: Oh, yeah. SPEED 15: POGO-BALL.
Hyperion: SPEED23: SHUFFLEBOARD
Koz: SPEED 32: GRAVITY
Hyperion: SPEED 60: ENTROPY
Hyperion: Did anyone even watch the first one?
Koz: I did, because Jennifer Love Hewitt was in it.
Hyperion: So you saw
Koz: [Laughing] Wait, I can top that. With Jennifer Love Hewitt in the sequel, they were going to call it “A tale of two titties.”
Hyperion: Let’s move on in case my mom is reading this
Koz: If she is, I want it known that you’re writing all my lines.
Hyperion: I am taping this call
Koz: Prank Caller! Prank Caller!
Koz: THE MOSTLY UNFABULOUS SOCIAL LIFE OF ETHAN GREEN. It’s the gayest thing since Hitler.
Hyperion: Actually, I think it’s based on the life of
Koz: No, I’m not putting it down. It really is a movie about gay people.
Hyperion: Like I said…..
Koz: WORDPLAY. It’s a documentary about NY Times Crossword guru Will Shortz.
Hyperion: My mom and I hate him. She thinks he’s way too clever for his own good.
Koz: It was popular at Sundance, and John Stewart is in it.
Hyperion: Do you think he’s [Stewart] smart and is playing down to his audience?
Koz: What choice does he have? 60% of his viewers are stoned at any given time.
Hyperion: We are not discussing Adam Sandler films here.
Koz: You have to admit, it is a pretty cool idea, though, having a remote control that could stop things.
Hyperion: What would you stop if you could?
Koz: I’d fast-forward through spankings I got for bad report cards
Hyperion: That’s funny. Your wife told me you liked spankings
Koz: Ha ha
Hyperion: I’d have thought you’d said the changing room at
Koz: I thought that was a given.
Koz: WAIST DEEP
Hyperion: Doesn’t that have Larenz Tate in it?
Koz: Unless you live in a heavily urban area, forget about it.
Hyperion: Just because it’s black doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Koz: Of course not—I’ve seen POOTIE TANG—but the director Vondie Curtis Hall, who made GLITTER.
Hyperion: Ooh, good point.
Koz: Only two left. THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
Hyperion: I read the book.
Koz: You’re the gayest thing since Hitler
Hyperion: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s about a girl who works as a production assistant to a big fashion editor. Supposedly it’s a Roman a clef about the editor of Vogue.
Koz: What’s a Roman a Clef?
Hyperion: It’s when the story is so identical to real life—except for the names changed or certain obvious superficialities—that it’s practically a non-fiction work.
Koz: Just like this column.
Hyperion: Who’s starring?
Koz: The editor is Meryl Streep…
Hyperion: I smell Oscar
Koz: and the girl is Anne Hathaway.
Hyperion: Is there an “e” at the end of Ann(e)?
Hyperion: I wish women would make up their mind on how they want to spell the name and go with that.
Koz: Tru Dat Tru Dat.
Hyperion: Anne Hathaway has been naked in a lot of movies lately?
Koz: I heard her parents were still pissed over last year’s Christmas video.
Koz: She’s totally naked in HAVOC. The movie sucks.
Hyperion: is it worth seeing?
Koz: What did I just say?
Hyperion: The movie sucks?
Koz: No, the other thing
Hyperion: Totally naked?
Hyperion: So, a rental, then.
Koz: Last one. SUPERMAN RETURNS
Hyperion: don’t know why, but I have a bad feeling about this.
Hyperion: What the hell was that?
Koz: Well, you were being Han Solo, so I was trying to be Chewbacca.
Hyperion: Let’s stick to the subject, can we?
Koz: Kevin Spacey is Lex Luthor
Hyperion: He rocks, but I’m still leery. How is Kate Bosworth supposed to play a brunette?
Koz: I heard there was supposed to be a Christopher Reeve cameo
Hyperion: No, you didn’t go there!
Koz: What, too soon?
Hyperion: Of course it’s too soon. I still haven’t gotten over what a terrible actor he was.